2002-03-25 18:17:08 (UTC)


hey well its been awhile since I came to write in this
thingy!!! Bt yeah anyways man I am like so happy with the
life I have right now except a few minor things that
hopefully I can take care of soon. Like Mai DAD and the
whole trust thing between me and Cesar. Yeah were together
now....we have been for a couple months now which is the
longest relationship I have ever top it off the
most complicated one I have ever had. I mean he doesn't
trust me. Its not an I don't trust you because I think
you'll cheat on me type of thing its an I don't trust you
cause I don't want to get hurt again type of thing. You see
he had a gurlie back in middle skewl, they were together
for about ten months and he said he loved her and she
didn't say it back. Thats the only gurl hes ever said that
to. Well then I guess he was moving and he told her he
would be back and thy told each other they would wait for
each other and she didn't and when they got to high skewl a
homeboi got her pregnant and after that they stopped
talking. I knoe for sure that I would never do something
like that to him. I don't expect him to trust me right away
but a lil faith in me would be nice. He has this theory
that nothing last forever and that everything he has ever
had he's lost one way or another. I told him he wouldn't
lose me not to anyone or anything. He didn't believe me he
said I don't knoe that and that I can't tell the future.
Well neither can he!! He doesn't knoe if we'll be together
forever or if we'll break up next week. But however it
turns out it goes for a reason and sometimes you don't want
it to be like that but it just is. I hope we don't break up
for a long time cause I really like him. He's the only
person that has ever made me feel important. I miss him all
the time and all I think about is him and why its so hard
to open up to me. I really do trust him with mai feelings
and mai emotions and basically not to hurt me I don't
understand why he can't do the same for me. I ant to knoe
some stuff from him. I found out some but not alot and I
really want o ask him. I mean stuff I already knoe the
answer to but I asked over he phone I want an answer where
I can see him say it. Like I already asked him if he's
happy with me and if I make things harder for him and he
already told me the answers but I want to see the
expression. Plus hella people at skewl are always like are
you and Cesar still together? Im like yeah why wouldn't we
be? And their always like Well...I never see you two
together and well you guys don't really act like it. Plus
He told me that Chor told him we don't act like were
together we should just break up. I want to knoe if he
would listen to someone else and just break up with me
cause someone else said to which is totally dumb I think. I
really don' think he's like that but I still want to ask
about it. man and Chor stinks I can smell him from here and
he doesn't smell very nice!!! Sorrie that was a random
comment ya knoe. But anyways yeah i just want to knoe how
things are and if everyhing is okay the way it is. I knoe
I'm not okay with how things are right now. I feel ignored
and not really in a relationship right now. I luv being
with him and he makes me happy but sometimes I just can'
handle doing things the way we have been doing them. We
barely spend time together and we hardly talk....its like
he doesn't even want me around ...EVER!!! He's complicated
and everything is hard to understand with him I have to
guess and try to figure things out for myself. He never
tells me whats wrong he always says don't worrie about it.
I don't understand why he just doesn't say anything besides
the fact that he" doesn't like talking about himself" But
its not just about him its about me too. Its about "us". he
doesn't seem to understand that him not telling me whats
going on bothers me. But yeah I gotsta bounce. Laterz!!-