My Thoughts and Feelings
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2001-05-17 16:20:11 (UTC)

My Life and Views.

Well, I did a search for an on-line diary and here I am. I
had to find a way to express my feelings without anyone I
know finding them. I am 22 years old and have finally
realized that I truly must do something to help myself. I
have had this boyfriend now for maybe five years now and we
have a three year old son. (an accident) Well the thing is
ever since I can remember this guy has made my life
miserable. I don't exactly love him (or do I) nor do I
like his companionship. When he talks to me I just get so
disgusted. The thing is I could not manage my own life
without his "resources." I know that it makes me sound
bad, but really how far in life do you get when you have
nothing? I cheat on him occasionally and date other guys.
(not to mention all the flirting i do) Well rcently I have
acquired this "friend" at work. (just so happens to be my
boss) He is great to talk with and I am so attracted to
him, but he says hands off. I totally respect that. I'm
not into breaking up his happy home, just because mine is
not. But I feel that he is playing my with my emotions.
When we get on-line and chat we talk about sex and our
fantasies of each other. (he even tries toget me to web cam
naked) I thought I had found a friend in him. Well
yesterday he found out that my bf hit me and I wrote him
this lengthy e-mail about basically parts of my life and
this morning he seemed uneasy with me. (maybe that's just
me though) I feel as though I've gotten too close and have
said too much to him. He is the only person I tell
anything to, so I just thought I would be able to talk
comfortably to him and he would accept this and maybe
understand; not even understand, just listen and be there
for me. That is the exact opposite of what I felt this
morning. I felt dumb and stupid for having sent the e-
mail. So that is basically what made me realize that my
theme: Don't trust anyone" is still very true. (when will i
ever learn this?!) So now I've got to find a way to back
out of this easily and gently so that I can be comfortable
in his presence again. Also I was made manager after only
a few months of working when others had worked longer, but
still had no promotions. I know I do my job really well,
but am I really that much better then the rest? I can't
help but feel he promoted me based on my looks. Although I
thought I should step back and resign my position, I
thought harder and decided that I did work hard and would
work even harder to prove my worthiness of that position.
I guess I just learned the hard way not to mix business
with pleasure huh? :) Now on to another subject, my son.
I dislike being a mother. It's enough to make me depressed
by itself. I hate to admit it, but I'm just too damn self-
centered to be a mother. I mean don't get me wrong, i take
care of my son and love him, but it's not at all what my
future plans would have been. There are moments of anger,
when I just wish/wonder what my life would be like without
him. Would I still be with this guy? (i wouldn't think so)
Would I be in college? (for sure i would be and probably be
almost through by now) I mean not to say that my life
would be perfect without him, but just that I would be in a
much more stable position I think. Have you ever noticed
how much easier it is to talk with a stranger than someone
you know. I still can't help but wonder why I have decided
to make my diary public. I guess maybe it might be the
hope of finding someone who can relate to me or just the
fact that someone might read this and have advice for me.
Maybe just because I need a friend who isn't so judgmental
about me and who I won't have to impress. Someone who
doesn't know what I look like. (without the care of
knowing) All my life people have treated me "special" and
have gotten close to me based on my outer appearance. And
when it comes down to the time of true friendship when you
need them and their support they don't give a shit. I'm so
sick of that!! I'm sure that is the case with my boss at
work also. Like last night when I needed his comfort and
support and opened up to him, only to find this morning he
acted different (uneasy maybe) and it made me feel like
SHIT! I'm sure that was not his intention, but that's how
it was. I feel that maybe he wasn't ready to take our
friendship to a more meaningful level, I don't know. But
the mistake will not happen again. Also, all of my family
are in California (my home!!) and I was the dumbass who
moved thousands of miles away. So basically I have no one
here for me at all. My bf's family all live here, so for
him I guess it's all good. (not to mention his mother will
do anything he asks of her) Anyway, I guess I'm through
writing for now. Man it feels great to let it all out!!
Until next time.........

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