jane_doe

a little piece of me
2002-03-25 15:58:03 (UTC)

finishing up from last night

well, sorry about that last night. will explain later.
anyway, on to the bad part of the weekend. after matthew
got home from taking that amish lady somewhere, he was not
in a good mood. we had made plans to go see blade 2, and
he said he wanted to go by himself some other time. i
asked why and he told me to quit being nosey. i didn't
argue. my dad came home to take us out for chinese. on
the ride up there, mom and dad were talking about
something, so he turned on the radio to cover up what they
were saying (church issues). matthew got mad because it
was the religious station, so he asked my dad to turn it
off. dad got upset, started bitching about matthew,
telling him he was going to hell and what not. that upset
him, and they started fighting some more...yelling and
swearing at each other. they both said really hurtful
things to each other. when we got to the restaurant,
matthew wouldn't go in. said he didn't want to be anywhere
near dad. so the 3 of us went in, matthew stayed in the
van. a few minutes later, dad went out to applogize to
matthew, but he wasn't there. that meant he was walking
home (a good 7 mile walk). we finished up, then went to
find him. he refused to get into the van, so i offered to
walk with him (it was late, he was pissed, didn't want him
to be alone). he said ok, so we walked a couple of miles
before my mom pulled up and picked us up. dad was gone
when we got home, and matthew just went into his room. i
went to my grandma's to watch a movie. they're all so mean
to each other, and it drives me crazy to go home.

matthew did bring up a very valid point about my mom,
though. he said that she starts to make you think she's on
your side, then she'll team up with my dad when you need
her the most. that's very true. she did that to matthew
that night. i don't understand why she's that way. i
mean, even when we're right, she sides with my dad. it's
very infuriating. oh well.

rest of the weekend was ok. i stayed at my grandma's and
she watched 'the glass house' with me. pretty good movie.
then i talked to turtle. he called me. how sweet :).
next day, got up, ran some errands, then ate lunch. hehe,
brett would have been jealous. it was those chicken strip
things i made that he liked. came home, went to the metals
shop, and worked for a while.

so the problem from last night...well, it's difficult. i
haven't been writing much about this (ok, not at all)
because i wasn't sure what was going on, or how things were
going to work out. first, brett and i had a conversation
the other day about soul mates. i told him i didn't
believe in them, because that meant there was fate (which i
don't like, either...means there are things out of my
control. i know that's true, but i don't like that). he
said he did. i guess another reason is that i wanted brett
to be my soul mate, but that obviously wasn't the case. i
guess i wanted to pick my soul mate.

well, i met turtle a while ago. hadn't talked about him
much because things were slow going with us. i didn't
think much would happen. he's from north carolina, and i
told myself that i would never do another internet thing
again (just too hard having brett so far away). as time
progressed, i started to develop feelings for turtle. now,
i'm in love with him. i really think he and i were made
for each other. that bothered me at first...i had no
control over that, ya know? now, i believe it's true. as
much as i loved brett, and was in love with him, i always
felt something was off. i still felt a little empty
(please don't take offense at that brett. i dont' mean it
in a bad way). with turtle, i don't feel that way at all.
i feel so full with him. that sounds so dumb and corny,
but that's just the way it is.

i told turtle my plans for moving to new orleans. we
decided to move down there together. that made me so
happy, until last night. he thinks i should move to north
carolina and live there with him. it just sucks...i
finally found some place where i fit in, where i don't feel
like i stick out. i also found the one person i think i'm
supposed to be with. now it seems that i can't have my
cake and eat it, too. i move to new orleans and lose him
or move to north carolina and give up new orleans. i would
so much rather be with him, but i just hate that i can't
have both. maybe i can talk him into moving there. he
said if that's what i really wanted, he would do it. i
just feel so selfish...he'll be giving up what he wants
just to be with me. maybe if i can get him to visit new
orleans, he'll fall in love with it like i did. i guess i
shouldn't worry too much, but then again i graduate in
under 2 months, therefore will be moving in the same amount
of time.

i haven't told my parents yet what i'm planning on doing.
my dad would throw a fit if he found out i was just going
to live with turtle and not get married. he doesn't
believe in 'shacking up'. i don't believe in marriage
hehe. turtle already told his mom. she's happy for him,
but she wants him to stay (which is why all the trouble
started last night). i'm not sure how all of this is going
to pan out. i'm going to talk to him again tonight.
probably not about this, but just talking to him makes me
happy. i love him so much, and it's good to finally be
able to write that in here. sorry heather and brett that i
didn't tell you sooner. i just couldn't.

anyway, this has gone on quite long enough. lester, i'm
very glad your trip is going so well. sorry i haven't
written you back yet. i will do it soon. i miss you :)
hope it continues to go well. when will you be back?
scott, kick ass (read your last entry)! you rock. hello
nikki. hope things are going ok on your end. take care
everyone.

jane_doe