2002-03-25 03:44:48 (UTC)

depression reigns supreme....

my "family" or my friends... i love my friends.. all of
them.. and yes i can be annoying.. and a burden... and a
pain in the ass.. but damnit.. they are the world to me..
leaving them for alberta will be hard... but still.. i have
to if i want to get anywhere on my own..if i want to
understand what it is to be an "individual"... and
individual.. just like everyone.... it's kinda sad how i've
become a stereotype.. and i realize now that soap opera's
are actually quite accurate to events which transpire in
everyday life.. but then again.. that's their basis.. only
in a compressed form in order to contain excitement.. but
love.. am i too young to look for love? i don't know..
every love i've ever thought i've had.. i lost.. at my own
fault.. but still... lost... never to be regained.. or so i
believe at this point... and my "family" their great...
but.. it seems.. i can't give my "parents" the respect they
are asking for.. which isn't what i had intended.. i've
just fallen into a way of life... and they believe i don't
know how they'll react.. but their wrong.. they are quite
predictable.. and now.. the "grounding".. pfff... they'll
see grounded... isolation is more like it.. i'm sure i can
live quite nicely alone in my room... verbal communication
with them.. will be unnecessary for the next month or so...
so i'm glad.. this is what i had planned in the first
place... but whatever.... they are the ones who don't
understand me... but then again... i'm not the only
hypocrite.. and i am.. quite predictable.. i assume
anyway.... gebus rice... it's such a ridiculous life.. i
can't believe i'm living in a world which frowns upon my
way of life... yes i do exute energy.. and inspire.. and
all that mumbo jumbo.. but i'm just another person.. why
should i be chosen to be special.. everyone looks to me..
and i hate it.. i very very muchly hate it... and they
expect me to do whatever they want.. i hate expectations..
they are restrictive.. i am expected to act and think a
certain way.. if i stray from that path... i get nailed for
it.. and it's horrible.. absolutely horrible.. now.. i
don't think theirs a time in my life where's i've been
completely helpless.. well there have been.. but not in the
last 5 years or so... but.. i want to be helpless.. i want
someone to come to my aid.. instead of me going around
making sure it's all good... it's horrible.. but.. it earns
me the respect i have... but.. still... it's a horrible way
to live.. always restrained by the ones you love.. i love
them.. all of them.. how could i not? they are my world..
being taken from them isn't a big deal.. but... gebus...
it'll be hard to leave.. very... hard... i'll probably