Autumn Always
2002-03-25 01:26:15 (UTC)

Mr Roboto...

That songs stuck in my head. Work has been good lately,
long very long, but good. We are packed because people go
away for the holidays. Every single kennel is full. It's
maddness. But I still love it. I learned a few more
interesting tech things, like how to hold an animal for an
iv, how to read it, pull it out, hold it, how to do dip
samples and read gluclosr levels, nifty stuff. I am
seriously weighing the whole vet or vet tech thing. We'll
see. I also had to put a dog in the incinerator for the
first time. That was hard. It goes on a metal slab and then
gets shoved in literaly to a brick like oven with a utensil
that looks like a garden hoe, and it's stiff and eyes open,
I don't know, it wasn't a happy thing. I think the worst
part was smelling it burn from outside. But if I do go for
the vet thing I wont have to deal with that. If I go for
the vet tech thing I will. But if I go for the vet thing
I'll have to put things to sleep. Grrrrr. We'll see. And my
friend Ria came by the other day. She just called me out of
the blue and ten minutes into the conversation said I'm
coming over. I love her so much. We have such a deep bond.
And out friendship is like nothing I've ever had before.
We've known eachother since we were both 10. Our lives
always seem to mirror eachother. And sometimes months will
go by without even hearing a word from her, but somehow
when we need eachother we come together. I was thinking of
her only a few days ago and then there she was. Its ALWAYS
like that. And when we get together NOTHING has changed. We
talk for hours on end, eat, watch a movie, share pictures
and I feel this great weight removed. We hug and kiss
goodbye and we leave smiling untill somewhere a month or a
few months later it happens again. It's an odd comfort. We
simply are. 20 years from now where ever I am I know one
day I'll call her randomly and she'll come over. We have
such an odd but special relationship. We're so alike on the
inside it's amazing. I don't know about all of lifes
mysteries, but I do believe in some kind of reincarnation,
and I always feel like she was there. Like no matter where
I was in time, our souls were close. It's a comforting
thought. Saturday was nice. After work I went to go watch
one of Patricks shows. It was a big step for me. I didn't
feel too great and I still have a hard time leaving the
house. He invited me, but expected me as usual not to come.
He understands completly wich is nice, but I wanted to
surprise him. I made myself get up and go. I wanted to
support him, be a part of HIS life, watch him play. I'm
trying to get better. And when I got there he looked at me
like I had just rained on his happiness parade. And when I
hugged him and said are you surprised he said yeah you
didnt have to do that. In fact you really shouldnt have
done that. I was crushed. I thought look here I am, I just
made a HUGE step for you. I wanted YOU to know that you
mean alot to me and that i want to be a better person not
just for myself but you as well and he looked like he
didn't really want me there. It was as bad as that outfit
thing. And we talked it out and he says he was just worried
for me cause he knew I was sick and having a hard time, but
I still feel like ok, even still, why couldn't you have
just looked happy to see me? Be thrilled that I'm there
with you, WANTING so much to be a part of what YOU love. It
made me feel quite rejected and hurt. Things have been
going so well, it was really a slap in the face. Like did I
intrude on your personal space? You always tell me you want
me there. The only reason Im not usualy is because I fight
with my anxiety, so then when I finaly manage to do it how
come your'e not jumping with joy. Wasn't I enough. Sorry
I'm just venting. I might be taking it too seriously, but
it still hurts. I put my heart and my vulnrability out.
Things are fine now we resolved them as best as can be but
I always linger longer where I shouldn't. *sigh*. Other
then that things are great. I'm looking forward to seeing
him on tuesday. I'm still taking Zoloft. It's ok so far,
but I find at night I get edgy and sometimes panicky. I
feel frustrated. Isn't there an anxiety fighting drug that
doesnt CAUSE anxiety? I'm going to hold out on this though
because I can deal with the side effects so far. Pray for
me. And that's about it. I'm going to go now and pick out
clothes for tomorrow so I don't have to worry about it in
the morning. One more day then I have off. I'll write soon.

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