still single

sick of all the sh*t
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2002-03-24 19:11:53 (UTC)

Time for me I had the abortion after much trepidation. The
deciding factor was this:I went to lunch with my friend
Adrienne. She just had a baby 6 mos ago with a guy that
left her during pregnancy. We had a long discussion and I
got home with the notion that I was going to tell Jason I
was not having the baby(even though I cancelled the first
abortion appointment because I hadn't made my decision yet,
and we went shopping for pregnancy books and had pretty
much decided to keep the baby-he was more excited than I).
Anyway he flipped out. I understand that I did fuck with
his head a little and that is because he had ME fucked up
in the head so bad I didn't know what the hell to do. But I
decided he was not being very nice to me and I didn't want
to bring a child up in such an emotionally abusive
environment. He needed help first. Anyway I found out there
was no girl in his car because he showed me that the voice
I heard in the background was actually a cd of his...ok but
I had good reason to be suspicious with him always chatting
online. I freaked out and put all his things in the garage
and locked him out of the house...He ended up keying my new
BMW-It's just a car but it's all I really have that I
enjoy...One of my favorite things to do is take a ride in
my Beemer.He not only keyed my car but he keyed "Baby
Killer"across the entire trunk. I don't have the $500 for
the deductible so I'm stuck driving it around for
awhile.The scratches are deep and I used a similar color
nail polish because even the bmw dealers don't have touch
up paint in the color of my car. It looks less obvious but
if you are not blind and slightly literate you can still
ead it.This was after I told him I decided to have the
abortion but before I actually got it done, he did this. He
also punched my home window cutting a tendon in his
arm,,,so he'll be without use of his right arm for at least
6 mos. He stood in front of my house screaming, my roommate
and his girlfriend were here when he freaked out and tried
to kill himself with a bottle of pills and when he punched
the window that was the last straw.He had gone off the deep
end and I knew I had to call the cops/ambulance.He needed
serious help. I do not condone or enjoy abuse by any means.
I just know a lot about Jason and his childhood and I
shouldn't feel this way but he needs me.He has been through
a lot and I know I'm being stupid.It's not my
responsibility but I can't help how I feel. He has been in
jail since 3-10 and will go to court on 3-26. He has ,of
course, wrote me numerous letters in his jail haze....Of
course he says what an idiot he's been and how now that
he's not smoking pot 24/7 he can see what an ass he's
been..blah , blah, blah. I want to have faith in him but I
told him I don't believe him...He can tell me anything he
wants and until he actually does the things he say he
will , words mean nothing. Of course I want to give him
another chance. I went through an anger problem when I was
younger too(although not to that extreme)and my boyfriend
at that time stood by me and I no longer have an anger
problem...I'm not even gonna discuss this because I will
sound like an idiot...To me I sound like an idiot but no
one else is in my shoes so it's easy to say what I should
or shouldn't do. Anyway I don't regret having the abortion
because there is no way I could have went through my shitty
pregnancy by myself. I wouldnt've kept my job. Now I have
the chance.I have so enjoyed the peace and quiet of being
at home with my dog...although he now has to have 2 insulin
shots a day, since being diagnosed w/Diabetes. Still ,
yesterday me and Christina went shopping, out to lunch at
Ruby's and then came home and did manicures and
pedicures.It was so nice to be able to relax and not feel
so stressed out that I was going to be yelled at at any
given moment. So I will keep this updated when I hear
anything. I am going to see Jason in jail todaya.I have
started to forgive him. That is a problem for me...I don't
stay mad for too long. The first 2 weeks I didn't care if
he died.Now I am forgiving him, slowly but surely(except
when I look at my car I still want to hurt him desperately).
I look so good right now since I'm skinny and I want to
take advantage of it as much as I can because I'm so afraid
I'm going to gain the weight back again.I have been
buying skintight jeans and pants and damn I look so good, I
want to cry.I just want to walk around anywhere because
girls give me envious/bitchy looks and guys practi ally
trip over themselves...And the last few days I've been
eating a lot...since during the pregnancy I didn't hardly
eat at all because I was sick all the time...I'm gonna go
get ready to make heads turn...I know I must sound
conceited but believe me that is not the case. Just feeling
good about myself for once in my life!!!