my crazy life, check it out...
2001-05-17 03:21:43 (UTC)

So messed up...

I wrote tim.yeah, and then I haven't heard his voice to
hear the complaints or comments on it, but he emailed me
and said he wants to play it by ear and that he is just 18
and doesn't want to be tied down. I don't know? I thought i
was suppose to be the one he loved? the one he made plans
with and talked about future plans with? where did those
plans go huh? I don't know? i enjoy so many comments that
every one has given to me. Tim does need to make a
decision. I know it seems as if he is like dependent on me.
He is dependent on me to be there,while he can set me aside
and wonder if he even wants me there? I don't know what to
do. He is such a part of my life. I just don't understand
him though. He is complicating me. Yeah, I am 18 too. But I
don't like to procrastinate on my future plans, when I am
so involved and so in love with this one person, who makes
me feel as if we have something so great and that we have a
future together, and then he tells me that he doesn't want
to discuss future plans with me, and he wants to play it by
ear. Maybe I should just be careless and carefree like him
and let our relationship just slide, and let everything
fall into place. How about it? I don't know. I don't
actually feel that way. I am more of, "i am in love with
you and I know I want you in my life forever." But he is
not like that now, he used to be. You know, all I want is
to know that i have hope for us. All I long for is for him
to hold my hand, to send me a cute email, to make me
something, let me know he cares! those simple little
things, those simple 3 little words (without me saying them
first) that would mean the world to me. Everything i do,
just doesn't seem to add up or do anything so I give up. I
am not gonna send him any cute emails that say I love you
and show i care, I am not gonna make him any cute cards and
give him anything, nothing. But I will say i love you. It
is best to speak your mind.and that is coming from me, who
rarely ever likes to speak my mind. But I just love to tell
him i love him. It is so great being in love with someone,
it is so great being in love with him! But who says it is
so great for him to be in love with me???

Maybe I am scaring him off? I don't know. He said
that my letter sounded like a marriage proposal. I am just
so sorry that I like to portray my love and gratitude to
you Tim! I will never do it again. (that is my smartass
self talking) I guess i never do anything right, but love
him. But is that even right??? i don't know, I am too
scared to find out!
Well, I am heading off, i hope to write back soon about my
accomplishments with tim! haha, if i can get anywhere with
him! i hope so, I love him. bye for now:) jenne;)