Passionfruit

College Days
2001-05-17 02:54:20 (UTC)

The end of my life...

WEll I took the test and I am pregnant. I cant believe it.
I know that I shouldnt be shocked but (and here comes the
old cliche) I never thought it would happen to me. Me.
The smart girl that goes to a promising uiversity majoring
in biology on the Pre-med track with a 3.5 The smart girl,
as everyone would say. She is so smart! You are such an
intelligent beautiful person. Me. Yah right, if only they
knew how stupid I really am. I cried so hard and my
boyfriend came and we cried together. I have to get an
abortion now. I have always been pro-choice for everyone
else, and prolife for myself. Oh man, how quickly that
changed. I have to. I really have no other choice. My mom
who works so hard and just yesterday she was telling me how
proud she is of me. I am the perfect daughter she said. I
hav never gotten in big trouble, she never had to tell me
to get good grades. If I made a low B I would punish
MYSELF! I was never the daughter who would dress "too
sexy" like the girls on Jenny Jones. 20 years old and I
lived to make my mother proud of me. I got in trouble
once, with my mom, and i cant even remember what I did but
my mom said "J, I am really disappointed in you" and oh how
I cried and cried and I wish she would have just spanked me
or something because those words hurt more then anything I
I remember vowing never to let my mom say those words to
me. My birthday was just last Thursday and my mom bought
me a new 2001 Toyota and she told everyone "how I deserved
it because she was so proud of me." Oh if only she
knew...My mom must never ever know, well not until many
years later when I am about 40, and I have the guts to tell
her. If she found out now...man I would rather kill myself
then ever breaking her heart like that. I realy mean that.
She must never find out. I called the clinic and the
Abortion pill costs $475 dollars. I never thought it would
be that much. my boyfriend and I have to come up with the
money. They say I have to be in between 3-6 weeks, and I
dont know exactly how far I am, but the last time we had
sex was May 8th and I know that my period finished April
22nd, so I can only guess I am about 2 weeks. I am going
to Planned Parenthood in the morning so that they can tell
me exactly and I am gong to get that abortion pill June
1st. I figure that should be enough time. I am praying so
hard that the Lord forgives me for what I am about to do
because I know this is an awful sin and I hope he knows
that I will repent everyday of my life until my dying day
if I have to. I never wanted this to happen and I can
promise that it will never happen again. i can promise
that. I will also live my life closer to God because I
havent been to church in about a month due to work, but
that is no excuse. I should have been there. Everyone
reading this, all I can say is if you are religious, please
pray for me. I really need some guidance and to be
blessed. I have also gotten some good feedback and
everyones kind words truly helped me. It really has, and
it goes to show that there are truly good people in this
world who although they dont know you, they care. Oh Gosh
I am crying now. It just makes me feel less alone, and it
really means alot to me. Thank you everyone and stay
posted for my next entries. I feel that this is truly going
to be something I keep up for a while...its really
therapeutic.