this is the only kind of love as i understand it that there really is.
well. today kinda sucked. i woke up early, fell asleep
on the patio, spent some time with my mom, slept, then went
out. i was exhausted all day, if it werent the last night
of spring break i would have slept all night. we were
sposed to go to southern with matthew but he didnt wana go
so we took claudia and then him and i drove around and
stuf. it was okay i guess. he seemed like he wanted to
talk. he was like "so how come you dont spend any time
with your boyfriend" and i was like i dont know and i was
talking about how i feel bad that no one compares to him as
far as how much i care about them and stuf and he wasnt
saying much so i turned up the music and he was like "You
know sometimes i do think about it." and he said something
like how not to take it the wrong way but he does feel bad
for me, that he is such an asshole and he thinks about it
sometimes and i was like well i have realized i cant make
you care about me and hes like "you know, i could tell you
i love you. and it would be totally true." but something
about throwing words around and different levels and stuf i
didnt quite follow. and he kept almost holding my hand.
then we did stuf even though im not sposed to for 6 weeks.
but he was kissing me and stuf. thats unusual. i was
telling him about the guy at work and hes like "he sounds
like a nerd" and kinda jealous ish and i was saying how i
didnt call him because i knew he would intentionally fuck
stuf up with richard and he was like surprised hes like you
know me too well or something. oh when will this be over?
games and tonight he seemed so open and honest and then i
can always tell differences when we fuck around... it was a
good night for us but im so tired of it all the cycle of
good and bad and unhealthiness. im guna go to bed.
tomorrows the last day before school!