Yellow Angel

May 16, 2001...I miss Ev soo much....:(

I don't know what's wrong with me lately.....I just saw Evan like
yesterday...and yet, i miss him like crazy...i don't know why...mayeb
because i hardly ever talk to him anymore..it's like i see him, and
we hang out...but we never talk....i miss him soo much...he's like my
best friend in the whole world...and i feel like i'm losing that....i
don't want to lose him....

Well, I got the job at the Picture People. So yeah, I have
two jobs now. I guess it's kind of cool. I didn't like
the interview though. Itwas weird becuase he wanted me to
like randomly just make up a story which I can do, but not
with an adult, only with little kids. It was cool though.
I'm getting paid a lot less there than I am at Lane Bryant
though. It's okay I guess though. It's not that big of a
deal. I will still get two pay checks every week and that
should be okay money I guess.

The pills are definately working. I woke up at 7:30 this
morning. I was like riight. Lol, yeah, I wanted to get up
early again but I was expecting like 8:30 or 9 but that's
all right, 7:30 is cool too. I like being up early. And I
haven't been hungry at all. I did eat today though because
I have to. If I don't, I am going to make myself wicked
sick and I don't want to do that. I don't eat much but I
do eat a little bit. I don't know though, it's kind of
easier not eating. I still feel really sick when I eat
like really sick. It's not fun. I eat like once every two
or three days, which that's probably bad too but it's
better than nothing. I don't know. I don't care.

Tracy's Aunt died either last night, or this morning. I
feel soo bad, she was only like in her 30's or 40's. It's
so sad. I just wish there was something I could say to her
to make her feel better but there really isn't anything
that is going to make her feel better. She is going back
out with James though which is good for her, she is going
to be much happier.

Krystle Hamel's mother died on mother's day. that's wicked
sad too. Her sister's are both in the hospital. One is in
a coma and my mom told me last night that they are going to
pull the plug, which is awful! and hte other is in
critical condition. It's so sad. I just wish that people
would stop dying. I am soo afraid that Tony is going to
get himself killed. I know he isn't a bad driver, but I
jsut have this awful feeling and then the fact that I've
been having dreams about it and the fact that Dawne also
thinks something is going to happen and the fact that Nicole
(not Bourdelais) has had dreams about someone in Dawne's
family dying but she won't tell her who. And she practices
Wicca and her dreams come true a lot of the time, and it
just really scares me becuase I don't want to lose Tony.
He is a great kid, no matter how much he pisses me off
sometimes, I still love him to death and if anything
happened to him, I don't think I would be able to handle
that at all. Actually, I know I wouldn't be able to handle
it at all. I need to stop thinking about this..

I kind of want to call Brad, but at the same time, I
don't. I haven't talked to him on the phone in a while,
and I don't know, I guess I just feel weird calling without
having a reason...I mean I guess me wanting to talk to him
would be a reason, but I don't know. I guess I just still
don't feel like we are friends. I hate that, but it's
true.

I kinda did a bad thing tonight, well, maybe not bad but I
don't know...I thought everyone knew that I tried to kill
myself, but I guess I was wrong. I said something about it
to Josh tonight, and he was like what?!? I really just
thought everyone knew because people suck and don't know
how to keep their mouths shut. He's going to look at me
completely differently now, and that totally sucks. I
guess that is why I think it's a bad thing...I don't know
though...He told me that I shouldn't worry about it, but I
do. I shouldn't have said anything. It's just that I'm
becoming more open with things, but at the same time I'm
not...I'm just going to go back to not telling anyone
anything...it's easier that way...