2002-03-23 08:28:28 (UTC)

And know we know... - Who's the one who's Mystified!

A letter I began to write in the hospital last night when I
was suddenly interupted in my hea by Jim Morrison's voice
imposing tone and rhythm to my verse... I always hated it
when that happened! .v.


What exactly was it that impressed me with these ex-
girlfriends of mine? Was it their bodies, because if it
was then I know that I therefore would have been impressed
by nothing that they were responsible for? Was it because
Alissa was first, because that has long been outgrown now.
Was it because Bonnie was so brazenly honest -

God knows dishonesty rooted what had hurt me up until then,
And I ran from it to avoid getting hurt again
Was it because Jade had this uncanny ability to calm me,
Leaving me to just be -
Free to hone my spirit?
It's hard for me to hear it,
Is it because back then I ran from fear of it?

*I'm still intact overall somewhere in here, but what can I
learn from all this?*

Did I think I loved Kate from a capacity to be mature
From a grander illusion of pristege and austrure?
Did that yuppie materialism seem a stark contrast
From the past
wherein also supposing in difference we'd last?

And what of ym horrible track record with red hair,
So dim and dismal, no names but all grouped here,
The raped and the rapturing, weak and then capturing,
desperate, devouring, then over-powering,
sucking me dry, waiting for me to loose -

My mental survival reaches such distaste -
When my love is wasted it's I who lay waste...

So what is it that impressed me with Misty?
Her red hair ruled out by her bravery to kiss me?
Her art may be genious, her body her reed,
But most genious' are inclined to their greed
Her passion or beauty are not her design
My past still compels me to find one good sign
If I don't then my trust may just end up reeling!
Today my love's blind and is based on a feeling... ^_^

By Brian Dowding (c)2002 March 22 - 4:16am at St. Marthas
Regional Hospital in Bed 1 of Day Surgury because they had
no beds.

I think that sums up how happy I am to see a good side in
having happiness and faith in Misty by having nothing solid
to base that feeling on... if you know what I mean...

I was worried lately that Breeze would try to contact me
again lately but it hasn't happened again yet really - some
MSN stuff that was meaningless-tribble the other day and a
notification that I had been added to her contact list in
MSN Messenger today. I don't want her to contact me
anymore - the entire idea of it makes me fear for my sanity
in a way that makes me ashamed (but only if a compare how I
used to feel about her to how I have no choice but to feel
about her now - I feel sad over cringing at the idea of her
because I am so opposed to how I used to feel about her and
knowing I am capable of such strong extreme opposite
feelings over time to a single certain person makes me feel
like less of a human being somehow). I hope Misty and I
stay good forever - I don't want to be her hated-badmouthed-
ex-boyfriend ever... it would literally kill what there is
left of me that is able to spiritually recover back to my
original self...

and in betterfactoid news:

instead of confirmed fear of an unlikely person to get a
hold of me after a LONG PERIOD OF silence - Jade Ryan wrote
me an email the other day for the first time in like over a
year - its been almost a year since I heard from that girl.

In better news:

I will see Misty again soon!!!! Just not soon enough! ok -
now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside and see pictures of
cute wittle cabbits doing the thumper-cute-shit-kicking-
foot-into-ground-awe-shucks-thing.... I need help... no