To Whom it May Concern: An Autobiography
2002-03-23 05:12:16 (UTC)

Endless Cycles

I must of looked lost, because she asked me if I was
waiting for someone.

"No, I just hate coming to restaurants alone." This city
makes it very easy to lose oneself. But am I truely lost?

I never thought I would ever be "lost". I felt most
together when I was searching, constantly questioning. Now
that I no longer search, now I seem lost to others.

Maybe I am. Maybe I've lost myself.
Maybe I no longer exist.

In some ways I have sacrificed myself to adulthood, to the
rat race, to nothingness. I am surrounded by others who
have done the same. To question this lifestyle is
considered unusual.

When others are faced with my delimma, they offer advice.
I have no use for their advice. In some ways feeling this
way, or actually feeling any way, seems to be comfort me
more than their advice, which is meant only to take the
feeling from me.. To reassure me that life is okay.
Knowing it's not makes me feel alive.

If this is what life is, working and sleeping, in endless
cycles, than existance is pathetic. Hope, aspirations that
there is more makes it seem more valuable.

Why is it that I choose to live in such a godless world, an
emotionless world, a faithless world? A moneyed world, a
working, rushed, angry and ignorant world?

That is to say, that I feel there is another world where
this would not be the case. But is it everyone around me,
or me that creates this world? I have looked for a year,
unable to find anyone who exists anywhere except for in the
physical reality. The physical reality only offers
pleasure, pain and exhaustion. What happened to the mind,
heart and spirit?

There is no clear resolution, only a call to action, an
urgency to change.