camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-03-23 03:53:36 (UTC)

self-examination

listening to 'drive' by incubus...the concert just suddenly
came to my mind again... and i can't help but feel... sad...

i should be studying for an exam...but i can't help but
think again...

i'm a horrible person. horrible. my insecurities are really
gnawing in my heart..my mind. my negative traits are... i
don't know... dammit... i can't stop bitching about people.
i can't stop talking about people behind their backs. i
should keep my mouth shut at all times. i should. if i open
my mouth i should say something nice and productive...not
something that just tears somebody else down.

i can never be good enough. never.

went to a cafe last night and we were talking about models
and beautiful people. we were debating whether models look
good or look wasted. a friend of mine really goes for
models and he goes for tall, thin, and pale girls. another
friend of mine says models look terrible. they look wasted.
i opened my mouth and said, 'i wouldn't mind looking like a
model.'

my friend, the guy who doesn't really like models,
said, 'but if u look like a model then you would be uglier
than... erm.. i mean, u look all right now. but if u look
like a model then u would look like, you know, a drug
addict or something.'

tell me if my mind is going overboard...but if i'm not
mistaken, that guy was about to say, 'but if you look like
a model, then you would be uglier than you are now.' he
just caught himself on time and decided to put it in a nice
way.

ouch... the woes of an ugly person.

just now a friend of mine was talking to me and asking me
if i started the rumor about whether something was going on
with him and this other girl. i said no. and he didn't
believe me. i felt a bit offended but then come to think
of it, he has reasons not to believe me. i bitch about
people a lot. i absorb rumors quickly... but then i've
never started a rumor in my entire life. argh. i don't
know. i'm so terrible. i don't wanna be a fucking big
mouth, nosy and stupid girl. it's just ... irritating. i
should change. i should. i should.

i'm not happy with myself. not at all. if i can afford
plastic surgery, then i will have plastic surgery. if a
soul surgery was possible then i will have soul surgery. i
don't wanna be me.

i came to melbourne to start a new life. to be an entirely
different me. i don't know if i'm succeeding. i did at
first..but then at that time i came across as a very
immature and happy-go-lucky person when in reality, i am
not carefree... nor am i totally immature. i believe i do
have a mature bone in my body.. but... jeez...

now it's like... i'm more hardworking. people can see that
i'm not a happy-go-lucky bum.. but i do word hard for
school. i wanna be the best i can ever be. but then this
bitch came out in me.. and i talk too bloody much! i mean,
i do prefer listening to people.. but why is it that when i
talk the wrong things come out?! dammit...

i must stop...i'm driving myself to tears...i know it's
shallow but then...i'm sick of myself. sick. i'm completely
fed up. i mean, if i wasn't me, i'm sure i'll hate me. i
already am me...and i despise me.

i want to change the world. but how can i if i can't even
change myself?