Corruption in all its beautiful forms..
2002-03-23 03:49:55 (UTC)

Hard to breath

sitting here, josh's gone and he will be for the night. Im
sitting here, at the computer, its the only thing to do,
thinkin about how much i hate life. I try to think about
things logically and my life could be so much worse, but
all i feel is sadness, longing, i feel like im drowning,
all the walls around me are crumbling and the air is
getting so thin that my lungs ache. I love josh, as a
person for what he's done, but i dont think im in love with
him. Can you be in love with someone and keep on thinking
about someone else? cuz i do. I think about someone that I
lost, someone that understands me, i think the only guy ive
been with that i trusted. I got really fucked up the other
night, i smoked some laced weed with PCP and coke and i was
really scared and all i thought about was i needed to talk
to this certain someone, I need him, to hold me, to talk
to, to be mine again. Im sure if you know me well, you
prolly know who im talking about, maybe not.
Right now all i want to do is bleed. I want to feel pain,
physical pain, it takes away from the heartache, it takes
away from the guilt, and hopelessness, it makes me feel
better. There has only been one real hard attempt to commit
suicide, it failed and i got my stomach pumped, the scary
thing is next time i really try i prolly will die.
I love so many people, would do anything for a few. Im
alive for these few, alive so they dont have to suffer any
more pain, undeserved pain, but sometimes i just want to be
selfish, i feel they will all be sad, really sad for a
little while, but they will go on with their lives,
hopefully lead happy ones, so maybe i should, cuz my life
seems to dark to ever find a light again.
To everyone i ever hurt or will hurt, im sorry, i have the
best of intentions, i never mean to hurt anyone, i dont
wish pain upon anyone, even those who really deserve it.

Mood:want to die
Song:Unbreak my heart-Toni Braxton