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2001-05-16 17:34:17 (UTC)

Does history Repeat itself?

You'll notice I talk about some subjects more than
others... Well, one subjext in particular. I will be now
too... I'm online talking to B and I just want to run to
his house, two miles from mine, and just let him hold me
and make things better because no matter how infuriating he
is and no matter how angry he makes me, he calls me his
best friend and tells me that he knows exactly how I feel.
All that stuff that I can't tell anyone else (except the
possible millions of cyber space journal readers out there)
I can tell him and he always knows what to say to make me
feel better. Like when I find him just to tell him that I'm
going nuts, he ends the conversation by explaining to me
why I'm his best friend.

We have so much past together. It seems like its too much
for one lifetime- too much love, too much hate, too much
hurt- just everythgin u can imagine feelign shoved into the
twelve years we've known eachother. And I say that first
love is over and that B can't except that and it's all bull
shit. Brian gets over that stuff faster than I ever have.
He's always on to somethnig new before I catch my breath.
His new love. His new problem. His new "best" friend. And
then when that all falls apart we find our way back to
eachother and any little bit of defense I had built up
against him falls pitifully. It's one of those things that
no matter how hard I push against it, I just get sucked
back in and all my problems seem little for a while, then I
get kicked back out on my butt and all the things that got
little get a lot bigger and they grow larger thna they ever
were before and I'm left all alone to deal with them.

I guess I talk about him so much because I've put so much
faith in him that he's never deserved and that I've never
gotten back, I never will. And now I'm falling in love with
someone who I don't think could ever love me and I'm
petrifed that I'll be hurt again, just like last time I
fell in love. I never though Brian would love me, would
care about me at all. But he did. And then I got crushed
and I'm scared beyond fear that I'll be crushed this time
with Nick. I hope I'm wrong...