Meshed Up
2002-03-21 23:51:12 (UTC)

wishes and dreams

i wonder if there will come a time when i won't feel
inadequate or disappointing. i wonder if i can live in a
world where i'm pretty enough, smart enough, good enough...
i wonder if there will come a time when i won't have to
worry about sinning, when i won't have to control what i
feel and how i react to it...i wonder if there will come a
time when i will be truly free.

of course, i don't think that'll ever happen. humans will
always be bound to something, whether it be the world or
god above. we will always have to live according to what
the laws say, and according to what god says.

people like me will always find people more talented than
me, more beautiful, more likeable. people like me will
always find people taller than me.

sometimes it's frustrating...wishing you're somebody you're
not. i wish i have longer legs, bigger eyes, clearer skin.
i wish have a sharper nose, fuller lips, and a nicer smile.
but i'm not. i don't have long legs, i don't have big eyes
and the best skin in the world. i don't have a sharp nose
either, or full lips and my smile is just...normal.

sometimes i wish i was smarter. i wish i could wow the
world with my intelligence, i wish i could paint. i wish i
could write better. i wish i could compose and make my own
music instead of playing somebody else's music. i wish i
had a kinder heart and nicer soul. i wish i was more
friendly, more interesting. i wish i'm somebody with
attitude...character. i wish i'm more glamorous.

most of all, i wish i wouldn't limit myself to the
standards of this world.

beauty fades but it sure is powerful. and no
matter what people say, in the end, beauty is important.

intelligence...some people love intelligent people and i
would so love to be intelligent. i wanna be a down-to-earth
person..not somebody who crumbles below the ground and look
at the world through soil-stained eyes.

i wanna be somebody who possess both. beauty and brains.
some girls are blessed with these. some are blessed with
only beauty. some blessed with only brains. some blessed
with both. and how i wish i could be blessed with both as

i will never be free of this world and its oppressions. i
wish i could but i can't. i am very disappointed with how i
am...who i am. i will never be good enough in my own eyes.
i lack so many many vital and important things.

i had a dream that a crazy man was chasing me and because
my school bag was too heavy, i couldn't run fast enough and
he caught me. then he sat me in front of a table and made
me answer surveys and questionnaires. he was very pissed. i
answered some of them, made a mistake, and screamed for an
eraser. he got even more pissed and took out a knife. he
was about to stab me when i woke up, my heart pounding and
feeling absolutely relieved.

the dream was absolutely ridiculous. i don't even know why
i was afraid...but i was. it made me think a lot.
sometimes, things may seem bleak..but later in life, you
look back and realize just how stupid the situation was.
it's all a matter of getting over that situation and being
able to take another step forward in this journey of ours.
this long winding journey called life.

feel like getting a drink now but it's only 10.44 in the
morning. sigh. maybe i should just go to sleep since i just
came home from my first class.

Like the naked leads the blind.
I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind.
Sucker love I always find,
Someone to bruise and leave behind.
-- 'every you, every me'