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2002-03-21 23:16:12 (UTC)

A Bit of My Mind

I wish that I could have the gift to convey feelings
to others without trying to find the words to express the
way I feel. I wish I could let people step in my shoes.
I have been thinking about Danny recently...strange as
that sounds....but every time I think about him I realize
how alike we really are....or were...or something. But,
now he had completely dropped out of school. What in the
hell was Denise thinking. If I had a child I would
definatly not let him drop out of school. But anyway, it
scares me to think that I am like Danny because of what
people think of him now and because of all of the failure
in his life.
My diet is starting to wear off too. I can feel it.
Yesterday I had some pizza and some M&Ms....I don't call
that a diet....but I did throw up most of it. And, then
today I had two pieces of pizza and some macaronii and
some vanilla waffers and some soup.....well I got rid of
all of that a couple of minutes ago. God...the back of my
throat is killing me! I have gotten to the point where
using two fingers just does not work very well anymore.
So now I stick toothbrushes, paintbrushes, the sides of
sunglasses, and whatever else looks like it might reach
down the back of my throat far enough to cause all of that
food to come back up before all of the calories are
I wish I had it easy....I am not saying that anyone
does. But, I do think that a lot of people are happier
than I am. So I guess I wish I was happy.....
Yesterday my mom and Greg had to go to Atlanta. The
cops were going to be at our house later that night and
she was not supposed to be there. Michell, Gregs future
ex, got a paper requesting the presence of my mom in
court. I am not exactly sure why, but I think she figured
out the thing with Greg and my mom and now she wants money
for pain and suffering or something, which is a joke
because she lives in Alt. and hated Greg. Honestly I am
not sure what the whole thing is about.
I want to cry right now.....I want a man to hold me so
badly. Why can't I already be married? Why can I already
live in New York...on the top floor of an old
warehouse....and have some dogs...but I want them to be
really mellow...and why can't I go for walks in Central
Park with "him" while the sun sets behind us. And the
buildings all become dark shadows against the brillian
light of the sun.....that would be nice. Ugh....I hate
having to go through all of this adolesence shit....or
whatever in the hell it is. I am ready for my life to
begin. Unlike most people, I want a job and a husband and
house payments and all of that other bullshit.
Anyway, I leave for a cruise in two days. That will
be fun I suppose. I am terrifies of being in a bathing
suit and watching all of these fit people jump around all
flirty and happy....that is really going to piss me off.
But whatever, maybe I will at least get to hook up with
someone there. I think that is what I need right now!

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