Life according to Luvie..
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2002-03-21 20:26:56 (UTC)

hey everyone

Dear Diary,
Hello I am finished with all my final exams but one. I
don't know if I am going to do it. I think so coz I got
some cliffnotes. Charlie has to practice so he is not with
me right now. Toné is here with me. He's a freshman and
stuff. I used to like him awhile back. He just left me oh
well. I am back to being lonely. Yesterday's church left me
upset. I am PMS'ing I am sure. I am mad at Princess. She is
going out with Red now but in secrecy. I think that is a
gip. Why are people so scared of coming out? It's not like
they are going to arrest you. I don't come out come out
because it would affect my boyfriend.

I don't want to hurt Charlie. He knows at times. He says I
am more confused than bi. I guess that is true. I am more
confused. I mean if I jump from yes to no and no to yes
then yes it is confusion. I still think women are the most
beautiful creatures God himself could make. Yet I don't
think I am beautiful. I don't know. I contradict myself a
lot in my negativity. I guess it makes me feel that I am
not being vain or conceited. Honestly...I think I am
beautiful. I think every girl is beautiful. Everybody is.
Even if they have wounds and scars inside or out.

I am all into my hurt past feelings lately. I have been
thinking about them and how I should just get over them.
Yes I was raped yes it was wrong. And no it was not my
fault. I keep thinking that the only way I know it was
wrong is if I just let it go and wait for God to tell me
when I die and join him.

I live my life causing drama for myself. I think I should
stop. You see in the beginning of my life drama was
constantly around me. Then after about twelve years I just
started creating drama when it calmed down around me. I
mean I don't know the enjoyment of happiness. I know what
temporary happiness is before I spoil it. I do. I just
don't know how to endure full lengths of it.

I thought recently about writing about my rape and posting
it into the school newspaper. I'll save that one for the
last issue though. I better go. I have written more than I
have ever written in my entire time being in this diary.
Love always,