2002-03-21 20:14:43 (UTC)


I'm gonna end up having an anxiety attack. I just know it.
I feel like I need to distance myself away from those I
hang with. I'm sick of people changing on me. Dee and Jacan
are killing me with this mess. We can never go anywhere
without Dee getting upset. We can never go anywhere without
Jacan wanting to leave. I sorta feel like I'm the only
stable one of the group. I've gotten to the point where I
don't let them know about anything going on with me. Like,
they don't know about how I'm feeling or what's the present
issue in my life. I don't feel the need to tell them

Well, I started this entry before I went to work......I've been to
work, got off, and went to a little party. I ended up going with Dee.
She acted like she didn't want to go, but she went anyway. I can't
allow myself to worry about these darn folks. Like, I haven't
mentioned a potential person that I may end up talking to. WHY? Well,
this person has his days when he's cool....then days when he's not.
He has this ex-girl who can't seem to let him go. I don't know if
it's the fact that he doesn't want to hurt her or what.....but when
she's in sight, he acts funny. See, I know the girl. We use to take a
class together and we were cool. At first, I felt bad....but I
realized that it wasn't as though he was her first or anything. I've
seen her sprung out over another nigga. So, I don't really feel bad.
But anyway, like I was saying.....I don't know what it is with him
though. Most of the time I just let it be because I can dish out what
he throws at me. He asked me why I was acting funny. Ummm....because
you are! I talked to a few of his friends and they said that he's
kind of shy. SHY! What's up with all this SHY mess....whateva! But I
can't take how he acts at times. We talked a little tonite, but when
the girl came around......he moved away. I'm not planning to set
myself up for anything, so I leave it as it is. No more walking to
class with him anymore or standing in the "CUT" with him. I know the
girl is curious because she has Jacan trying to find out what's going
on with the whole thing. Jacan doesn't know anything. Like I said
earlier.....I don't tell them anything. I slipped and told Dee
something and I feel so bad for doing it. I want to keep things to
myself now. I just feel like when I throw them in the air, nothing
becomes of it. I definitely know that when you speak on things in the
waiting....you don't get them. But Jacan won't know anything. Yeah,
she sees me standing with him or whatever, but I could be standing
with anyone. Ya know! I just feel like if she was a true friend, then
she would come to me as a woman and ask me herself. Instead, it's
like she is trying to sneak and find out. She came up to me today and
said that I know I was wrong for talking to him, and she told him the
same thing about me. OKAY! What kind of mess is that? FUCK IT!
Jocelyn is a solo type female. I don't need any of this bull......I
can't wait to go onto the next level!