2002-03-21 18:59:31 (UTC)

outback writings

"there are many things that i would like to say to you
but i dont know how."

3-20-02 6:26 pm

"i just puked. twice. i am really not okay. right now. i
feel like shit. so yeah. emily didnt tell me about "other
drugs" she did when christin was here. that long ago. i
think that i deserve the right to know things like that.
regardless of my stand on the issue. i have a right to know
what my girlfriend is doing to herself. and whether or or
not she SEES it. or cares to admit it. drugs affect her.
they affect her mood. how she feels about things.
how she feels about me...
and in that way. all of these ways. they affect ME.
they hurt me.
i know when shes different and sometimes i dont know why.
what it is.
and then i figure it out. or she tells me.
but she DIDNT tell me.
and you know. part of the reason i freaked out so badly
during that time. when i went a little crazy. was because
she was just...different. and i didnt know why.
and now i know part of it anyway. and it makes sense.
this "shit" has caused so many problems in our
relationship. and even she cant deny that.
before i met her...i barely spoke to any of my friends that
did drugs. even jatin. christina. *jennifer*.
because i couldnt deal with it anymore.
but i have learned how to cope. through the love that i
hold for this girl. and i have changed. because i KNEW that
i had to. and yeah. now. other drugs. other shit. i
remember her asking me one time what i would do if she did
some other drug. and i said id cry. and i have. and i do.
drugs have taken SO much away from me. my mom. my friends,
like christina, it was a HUGE reason jennifer broke up with
me. my fucking "virginity". it almost cost me my fucking
diploma. honesty. everything. EVERYTHING.
and i refuse. to let drugs fuck up my relationship with
emily. refuse.
the logical smart ashley thing to do right now would be to
leave her.
like her mom told her i would.
get myself OUT of this situation because of all the hurt it
causes me. and its not that im not *strong* enough to do
that. its just that. it would be pointless. and i know it.
amy did.
and emily didnt stop. she wont.
i am not that important to her. and as much as it sucks to
say that. and as much as it hurts to KNOW that. thats just
another thing that i have to deal with.
and, i have been. and, i am. but, that does not mean that
it stopped hurting. and it doesnt mean that its going to
but i do beleive i have the right to know. even if it
hurts. because its going to anyway. and i need to know what
exactly is causing my pain.
as ive said before. i love this girl with all of my heart.
my entire being. and im *going* to stand by her side. and i
know...this too shall pass...eventually...unless, it kills
her first. like it almost did this summer. and i have seen
her close to death. and i stood by her then. i stayed
though all of it. i held her hand during the surgery and
drove her to the hospital. i will never fail her.
even if its in 5. 10. 23. years. i dont care. i want to
spend the rest of my life with her...for better...or for
worse. and whos to say which order that is supposed to come
i know, i am far from a religious person. but god...i asked
you for guidance after i first met her. before i went to
her house that day. before i even knew her. and, im asking
for it again. please take care of and watch over her.
because, i need her. and i have already lost so much.
please, help her. and me too.."

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