this is gonna sound a little obsessive...
well kiddies, i'm back and life sucks as usual. but i'm not
going to gripe about it itself today. i think i'm going to
complain about my love life.
Come to think of it i miss justin like crazy. it was the
best thing that ever happened to me and i just cant get
over it. memories always come back in one way or another
and every time it hurts like a bitch (so does flicking
yourself in the head with a plastic spoon...dont ask.). He
said i love you to me first and at the time when i said it
back i had no idea how much i'd meant it. shit. after that
summer nothing was ever the same for me again and i never
meant for anything to happen but it did. and then i was a
manic depressive for 3 months but now i'm just a dorky
basketcase. so i guess i've improved?
as for my relevant relationships after that..um Jacob. i
had more like bodily wanted him for the longest time and
then i had him and it was great. when i said elephanshoe
(its a slang for I love you) i meant it in the cool casual
affectionate kind of way, not the full out blown thing he
took it for. So then we're going out for what...a month?
and i've become really good friends with Pat-the-ecuadorian
and we're sitting on the swings talking and i'm pushing him
and all these people see us and come over and talk to us
and its all gravy right. well the week before i was already
kind of pissed because when i sat down next to jacob and
thomas asked if we still went out he said no and i said yes
and then i said what...we're not? and he says i thought we
broke up. well not to my knowledge. so we have this huge 2
hour discussion about mine and his relationships and what
we want and junk like that. so anyway when i see him i'm
thinking "you know, what in the hell are you trying to
save?" and so i dump him. then he comes on with this shit
about how he thinks i cheated on him, which i didnt. What
the fucking Hell?! and then he writes me this bitch note
about how he only wanted my body and it was words, all
words and i could go fuck mr. PIP now...then so eloquently
signing it "i hate you bitch." jacob. enough said.
ok, so next significant other: Rian. well thats a weird
story. i guess its been kind of akward lately. i really
honestly had and still do have feelings for him. i told him
i was falling in love with him and i guess at the end it
became too unbearably true for me. He was the best thing on
the block and i couldnt bear the thought of losing that
after some xx time and then just have him walk out on me. i
was terrified that i could hurt him because of the summer,
i was and am beating myself up for it and its kind of
ruining my confidence for a solid relationship. i dont
think anyone really realizes how much the whole ordeal hurt
me (which i did write down in another entry by the way). I
didnt want the same thing to happen as was with justin.
being so happy and too attached and then coming to an
abrupt and unsatisfying end. i have no fucking clue about
his opinion on anything. also i thin he showed his good
side a little too much. it kind of bothered me that he
couldnt be a jackass to me...or didnt choose to..whatever.
but nowadays he's proven that he can. we had another one
day thing after i had chickened but i felt uncomfortable
for the exact same reasons above. i think he knew it too. i
would stop by some time and you know talk to him but a.
dont want anything goin on again b. i havent been on base a
whole lot and c. i'm not even sure if he'd want me around.
i dont wanna put him on the spot or...something. i dont
know the whole thing is a big mess i'm trying to stay away
thats about it i think. the rest is just short term
affections or flings or crushes. nothing too serious. there
just isnt going to be something i can work with until i get
to KAHS. thats gonna kick major ass.
S. DAVIS (skaterz rule!)