TMWaddle

My not so Fairy Tale LIfe
2002-03-21 13:54:30 (UTC)

Mom: Did she know?

Two years ago I was standing in a church listing to
hundreds of I am sorrys and whispers of " Is she ok?". I
smiled and knoded, yes I am great fine ok. My mom was dead
do you all really think that I was ok.
Well now 2 years later am I really truley any better, I
am not sure you know. I am not the same I used to laugh all
the time, smile and be content being alone. Now I am told
by my firends in the past years I have been rude, grumpy,
monotone, and boring. I wonder why sometimes, my biggest
fear growing up was that the person that I loved the most
was going to go without me ever getting a chance to really
let them know how much I love them. That fear became a
reality, I never got to tell my mom goodbye, I never got
that last "you know I love you more that you will ever know,
even all those times you were mad at me and I was mad at
you, I still loved you, I loved you more then because I
knew that you cared."
I wish sometimes that people could know what it is like
to be so happy about something and the person have he person that
would be the most excited about my acompishments is gone. I can not
have those moments with her that everyone else who has a mother takes
for granted. I wish on every star that she was here, more than
once a day, but it has yet to come true. And I know that it is never
going to come true.
My faith in God pulls me through. I know that he did
this for a reason. I have yet to see this or understand why
her, but I know that she is better. There is no more pain,
I know that was all that she ever prayed for.
As I look back ovr these two years, I do not see what
my friends see, the same old person that loved to laugh,
but a guilty person because is it really truly ok for me to
laugh, she dosen't get too. Maybe all I need is that one
person that is going to give me a reason to laugh again. I
need to feel that if I open up again and let everyone in,
that they are going to be here, when I need them. Someday I
know that I am going to be the friend that I used to be not
the tag along that gets to go everywhere, because I am
there.




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