listen to my silences
2002-03-21 05:37:21 (UTC)

understand nothing

something's wrong inside
i don't have a clue what
i've felt it all day but i didn't realize it until jon said
that it looked like i wanted to cry
and that's how i felt
that's how i still feel cause i haven't really cried
i started to but i won't cry in front of dad especially if
he's part of the reason i'm upset so i stopped
i got on here and had to be strong for everyone and help
them and act like i was ok
which i've gotten very good at doing
because they needed my support and my friends come before
me always

i have work and homework and projects and friends and home
and college to worry about
all of these things need time i don't have
and it doesn't help that my parents aren't supporting my
decisions about college
in fact they don't think i'm even old enough or wise enough
to be making decisions
so that's a whole lot of not much help to me

i just want to be held
i need to release all this buildup of stupid little crap
that's stressing me out
it shouldn't be this frustrating to me

if i could jon i would run to you now
i'd run to your arms and i know you'd hold me tight against
your chest to keep me safe from all of this
and as i cried my tears would run down your cheeks
when i see you next that's probably what will happen
i love you
i need you

i think i just figured out what's wrong. so i'm going to
write in coherent sentences now. and jon, if i could call
you right now i would baby. i think everything is getting
me down right now because i have to go to another doctor
next week. the disease symptoms are getting worse. much
worse. and that says a lot. they don't occur all the time
now. but there are days when i just can't take it. i get
so depressed. i miss my high spirits. and now i have to
go to another doctor. and do more tests. and explain
again what's wrong with me. and again have someone not
understand. and spend more time in a hospital. and have
more people stare at me like i'm some sort of freak. and
get worried again that maybe there's a tumor of some sort
on my ears and it's not really meniere's disease it's
something worse. i don't know if i can take it. i'm
crying now just to let you all know. no one can ever
really understand what this is like. yes, some of you see
it. and i know you want to fix it. and you're here for me
for whatever i need. and you understand me. but not what
it's like. i'm despairing almost. i'm clinging. i know
you all support me. i know you love me. i need both of
those things cause they're all that's going to get me
through this. but no one really understands. i don't know
if i'm strong enough to deal with this depression again.
right now. it's been too soon since i found out in
december that the disease was in both ears. and i'm so
happy with most of my life right now. why does this have
to come in the middle of it. why. i don't understand. i
don't want to understand. i just want it to go away. i
would like to know what it's like to be undizzy. to swim
without ear plugs. to listen to any pitch at any decibel
and not have my ears ring when no one else's do. to spin
around in circles like when i was little just for fun and
not black out or throw up. to sleep solidly through a
night. to hear the softest whisper. to not have to read
lips when more than one noise is going on. but most of
all, to have my happy go lucky high spirits back like
before. i just...i don't understand

final thought: why