isolatedmadness

lost
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2001-05-16 00:17:46 (UTC)

Crazy?

why is it that when someone realizes your depressed they
change on you? they either think right away you're some
real nut job or they feel like they have to watch
everything they do or say around you or they feel sorry for
you and give you a shit load of pitty. it feels like they
put you in the "special people" side.
my uncle seems to do that a lot, along with everyone else
in the damn family. they talk to me like im some little kid
or they try to force things on me as if it is going to snap
me out of being depressed. its the fucking stupidest
methods ive seen. what pisses me off more is, i know they
really don't give a shit. they are only putting a little
effort in it because they promised when my mom died they
would take care of me and my sister. it's not something you
tell a person that's depressed either, but they have thrown
that in my face because they get frustrated with me. they
just don't understand that i can't help it. ive been like
this since i was 11. i wasn't as bad as i am now, but i was
depressed.
my friend jackie's half sister that's visiting her here, is
really getting on my nerves and has already pissed me off.
i walked in on a conversation they were having and she
said "i don't like mexicans", that really pissed me off.
i'm half mexican and i hate people that say they don't like
a certain race. i think that's fucking stupid and your a
fucking MORON if you're like that. no race is better than
the other, you might be weird, jackass..whatever. it's your
personality that makes you better than some people. race
doesn't define a person or shows another person "OH YOU'RE
A GOOD PERSON BECAUSE YOU'RE WHITE!." anyway, i would have
said something to her, but i wasn't in the mood for a
fight. she doesn't seem like she has much of a brain to
give a reasonable reason as to why she thought that way if
i would have asked her. it would have been a waste of time.
i over heard her asking my friend jackie if i was any
better (i tried to commit suicide). jackie told her she had
no clue how i was doing. her sister then said "he has to be
crazy to do that, anyone who can do that is". that little
comment really pissed me off.

i don't get why people think that. you're crazy right away
for even thinking about it or attempting suicide. they make
you feel like it's wrong that you feel that way. i don't
think it's wrong that you feel that way. it's your feelings
and that's something you can't help feeling, so i don't see
why people make it seem like it is wrong. it does have to
do with being depressed. my family or what jackie's sister
doesn't understand is when a person is so frustrated,
angry, and fed up with the bullshit going around them,
everything being shitty, the depression that you can't get
away from even though you've tried everything you can do,
all the fears you get that fucking cripple you and make you
more and more less of person each day, and so full of
hopelessness and to the end of your rope with everyone
trying to force things on you or pressure they put on you
that overwhelms you..that you get so desperate for a way
out and you see nothing left, but trying to end your life.
i dont think anyone who's never felt like that could ever
truely understand that...or maybe i'm wrong and i am just crazy??


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