out of reach
2002-03-21 00:24:01 (UTC)

it was a gross day today...

it was a gross day today. perfect for sleeping in but
unbearable to awake and be active in. i woke up today in a
panic attack. i had a dream about prom and then i
remembered i'm probably not going. then i remembered the
scholarship applications i never filled out. and all of
that eventually snowballed into worse thoughts that made no
sense. it was pretty early in the morning and i just
wanted to go back to sleep for a bit longer. but i
couldn't fall asleep. my heart was racing and i was on the
verge of tears and i really just wanted to die or
something. but i painted on a happy (well normal) face and
headed off for a terrible day of school.

i want the weather to get nice so i can be more active. i
spend so much time in my room, its depressing. i come
after school and sleep. i wake up and eat dinner...in my
room. i go on the internet and i go back to sleep. i want
spring to come around so i can go hiking and make use of my
camera. its so gray outside and depressing. i need to
feel happy.

allie, erin and i are in a very destructive triangle. we
make fun of each other all too much and it makes me very
defensive and mean. i don't like it. i feel very
intimidated by the both of them actually. they're best
friends. i know that. i'm not asking for the same
relationship with them as they have with each other. i
just want to be their good friend too. the two of them
have so many inside jokes that they purposely exclude me
from and well, it hurts. they've been trying to make me
watch this stupid kiddie movie with them and they don't
understand why i don't want to see it. that's their
thing...not mine, not ours. maybe i'm being stupid. but
oh well if i am. i'm just sick of always feeling like the
third wheel with them. i'm the third wheel with
everybody. i hate it. i've been missing two things my
entire life. not once in my life have i ever had a best
friend or a boyfriend.

i gotta go now....because i just might have better things
to do..ha

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