Christine

Visions Of Life
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2002-03-20 20:22:59 (UTC)

Things I Shouldn't Say But Will

3-20-02
Midnight

My emotions overcame me on the way to work. I cried and
cried but now I am somewhat stable. So much is going on and
I might share later on..

From, Earth Prayers by John Soos

To be on Earth is to know
the restlessness of being a seed
the darkness of being planted
the struggle towards the light
the pain of growth in the light
the joy of bursting and bearing fruit
the love of being food for someone
the scattering of your seeds
the decay of the seasons
the mystery of death
and the miracle of birth

Rite Of Spring by John Lindberg

March, the month of turmoil, upset, blood,
death of winter, birth of spring, pagan
Mars made meek by Jewish pascal food
as Passover comes around again
and with the ages Christ sustains the brave
met with palms, then risen from the grave.

We know that some deep mystery abides,
remains within the tomb, in the dust
of the yet unplowed land, as it must
to save us with the promise we never asked
for we are fearful of being over-tasked

Wars resume in the Champs de Mars,
regiments wake from winter camps
in sanguinary dreams of summer war,
lighting their torches in the mardial swamp
where blood feeds on spirit, spirit on blood,
making wafers that stick to the tongue as food


I think I am anti-social. Being around others makes me
nervous. I am so shy. I never know what to say and always
end up acting like a silent dumbass. I also dont like
others looking at me because I am so hideous. I feel like
they are all making fun of me and thinking how ugly I am.
Yes, I have issues and Im sure stress and depression dont
help at all..

And now some of my problems. Things i should keep to myself
instead of sharing them witht he world but I dont know you
so i do not give a flying fuck.

Money- my biggest problem and stress. This is the stress
eating away at me and i cannot do anything to help my
situation unless I sell my body(no one would buy) or sell
drugs (dont know anything about that)I cant even discuss
this probem with myself because its too huge..

My 2nd biggest problem, the one I shouldnt mention, is Im 2
months pregnant. I am having an abortion as soon as I can
afford it and you pro lifers can kiss my ass. I have no one
I can talk to about this and Im so scared. I cant go to my
parents. Ive already disgraced them enough. They dont need
to know Im pregnant and aborting the fetus. I have no
friends to talk to anymore and I realy need to talk to
someone who is not directly involved and I have no one.

I thought I had friends but I was wrong because they have
all abandoned me. I help them with their problems, listen
to them and do whatever I can to make them happy and as
soon as they have taken all they want from me, they leave.
Happens every fucking time. Which makes me wonder why I
even bother talking to anyone. One of my closest friends
said he would always be there for me if I needed to talk or
whatever. No answer when I call, he never returns my calls
or my emails. I dont know what to think. I know people are
busy but its been over 5 weeks since Ive heard from him..
Why do people hate me? I am not a bad person. Id give
everything I have just to help a person in need. I dont ask
for much and give everything. And all people do is lie to
me and throw me away. Dont people even notice that Im a
human and have feelings too? Or is everyone just so selfish
that they dont even think twice about using a friend and
then abandoning them. I hate people. I hate having friends.
No more. Let me be lonely. Its alot better then being
betrayed and hurt.

Enough whining. Plus the third biggest stress I wont
discuss with anyone. That stays inside me till i die..

If you commit suicide, does your family still benefit from
your life insurance plan or does suicide notcount as a
legitimate way to die?

Brutal Honesty

I want to kill myself because life is so stressful and i
cant deal with it. I hate myself so much because there isnt
anything good about me and Im not worthy of being loved. I
dont want to kill myself because of the man I love. I just
couldnt do it. If either factor were altered, I cat say if
my want would change as well. Nothing is as simple
as "because of this, I do this" There arealways numerous
factors.


An Untitled Anti-Poem

Please
I want to hide
So scared of the now
Cant face it
Cant run
Cant escape in my pain
Yet I see my future
So blissful, radiant smiles
Everything settled
I ca make my parents proud
If only I can escape the now
The present seems hopeless
No where to go
No where to turn
Let me curl in my ball
And go away
I cant deal
With the now
Two emotions
Two realities
One person
Both true
Will I ever escape
To flowered pastures
Will this internal aching
Vanish with my tears
Give way to a rainbow
And let me live out my dreams
All I can do is hope

And Again I Quote Lion King 2 Lyrics.. Read carefully..
There is a purpose to this..

As you go through life, you'll see
There is so much that we
Don't understand
And the only thing we know
Is things dont always go
The way we plan
But you'll see, everyday
That we'll never turn away
When it seems all your dreams
Have come undone
We will stand by your side
Filled with hope and filled with pride
We are more then we are
We are one

************************************************************
6am

Die Bitch, Die!!!

I hate her so much!!!! Why do I get tormented for things I
havnt even done? I work my ass off and still get harassed
for no fucking reason. I was accused of throwing
washclothes away. Why the fuck would I throw a washcloth
away? All the towels I used were down in the laundry room
and I wasnt even in that area of the building till I passed
my morning meds. I mean, use common sence you dumb bitch. I
hope she gets into a car accident and dies. Or gets fired..
That could happen because sleeping on the clock gets you
fired immediatly and she does it alot and two other people
who have worked with her can confirm it. Die Die Die. Maybe
a mysterious masked stranger will beat her with a bat..
Grrrrr... I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I
hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her. I hope the
fuckin bitch gets deported or something. Why does the US
allow such uneducated, non English speaking, ugly bitches
to even pollute our country? Well, she does speak english
but not very well. Having the education of a 4th grader
does that. She should take her fuckin bible and her fuckin
jesus and shove them up her ass...


Okay... thats over with..

************************************************************

1pm

Was going to have dinner with my parents. Now all of us are
going to my grandparents for dinner which is fine except I
wont eat what they are having and I was so looking forward
to making tacos *sigh* I cant win. Why try


Okay, now I am officially depressed.

Work sucks. Life sucks. I am happy and depressed..


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