JadedGrl117

Simplicity
2002-03-20 01:22:06 (UTC)

Coming Out

I have HPV. Most people associate that with having warts,
but I don't I assure you. I have cervical dysplasia though
which is the early stages of cancer which was caused by
contracting HPV. They told me not to smoke, well, I'm
puffing on a Marlboro Light (in a box baby!) and thinking
maybe 2 years later, I was wrong to not go back to the
doctor and get my second biopsy even though I was scared.
I'm still scared. I told my husband some time before we
were married that I had it, I dont' think he remembers. He
doesn't talk to me much, I'm just another person it seems
in his life. We've been married for 2 months and some odd
days, I guess I should just be thankful he loves me. I've
always been the friend, the one helping other people when I
should have been helping myself. I'm 20 for go sake, I
don't act 20 at all. I'm numb, I've been numb for some
time, going in circles with no real ambition and wondering
if I made the right decisions. I have to modivate myself to
stick with all of this, this new beginning. I never stick
with anything or I settle with what is familiar and what I
know is easy. This is hard. I started taking my vitamin
again today, the one I've been supposive taking for the
past two years. I will stick with this. My friend Jenny, my
only real girl friend. I always had guy friends, they are
much better at being a friend and when Chuck and I got
together, well all of those guy friends went goodbye and
Jenny and I stopped hanging out b/c she had problems in her
life that neither Chuck nor I wanted to me to be involved
in. She is friend though, she is out of her situation and
we've been talking alot more. She told me before we got
married it was to soon, but all I knew is we loved each
other. I wonder if love is enough. I feel myself changing
and him kinda lagging behind me. The more I think about it
the more I realize that every time we try and have a
serious conversation, we end up argueing over something.
Maybe that is why he doesn't like to have serious
conversations with me. I remember a time when I liked his
parents more than mine, gone..all gone. I'm beginning to
see things for what they are and maybe that makes me have
the upper hand, or maybe it will be my downfall. If I do it
in babysteps, I will never change. I will never make the
commitment I am making now. I can't wait to tell Jenny
about all of this, I've been helping her with her problesm,
I can't wait to tell her that I am changing and I need her
help. She will help me without judging me for it. I wonder
if I will be here in the months to come and how I am going
to change. Either way, I will feel better about myself and
might actually be able to know who I am and why I am. I am
going to attempt to have a conversation tonight with Chuck,
I dont know how he will take it, but I do know I will feel
better and have more insight into what I need to do to make
things better, if I can.




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