Visions Of Life
2002-03-19 23:34:16 (UTC)

Another Night, Basking In The Flames Of Hell


Rarely can an individual provoke me enough to lash out
and/or cry. Tonight, that happened. Well, the crying part
at least. I rarely show anger. Its too dangerous of an

Here's my tale. Yes, more drama in the life of a crazy

First off, an overview of the work I actually do at night:

1-all 2nd floor laundry which is about 8 loads a night give
or take

2-In charge of all medication and give pills throughout the

3-clean 2 kitchens and straighten the office

4-get 3 people up in the morning (assist with dressing,
showers, whatever)

5-Carry the emergency phone at all times every night i work

6-Answer all of the emergency calls except for one room
(hurts me to help her tho I still do maybe once a night)

I do have time to read but thats between laundry and when
its quiet. I actually do work my ass off, especially from 5-

My co-worker who is older and not as knowledgable as Yvonne
who i terribly miss, was not talking to me for a week and I
didnt know why until tonight.

So Im in the office reading a Kurt Vonnegut book. Its
around 1am, meds are passed, laundry in washer. All is
quiet. She starts sweeping the floor in the office and
cleaning the counters. Fine. Personally I think 1am is too
early for that but whatever. All of sudden she starts
screaming at me. Not a mere raising of the voice, Im
talking about wake the neighbors kind of screaming.

-She said Its disrespectful for me to "make" a 52 year old
woman clean.

Hmmm.. Im not management. I cant "make" anyone do anything
and disinfecting the file shelves wasnt in the cleaning
scedule last time I checked... She chose to do random
cleaning things..

-she said Im crazy

I never talk to her so she cant know that i am crazy. That
side remains hidden to most.. lol. I really dont know where
she got this idea unless me reading and learning makes me
crazy. Of course I was writing a sabbat ritual.. But
religious preference doesnt ususally make a person crazy
tho some of these extremists *cough* Christians and Killer
Muslims *cough* are way off their rocker.. The majority of
people who follow a religion are harmless..

-She said Im lazy and sit on my ass all night and make her
do all the work, including the cleaning

*laughs* What does she do all night? Doesnt she see me
running around? Oh wait, its kind of hard to notice
anything when you keep dozing off.. IM the one who runs
back and forth between 3 floor, responding to all calls,
even the ones from psychos as well as pass meds..

-She said Im not trained to do my job

*laughs* She is a housekeeper turned RA in desperation..I
have been there a year and have numerous certifications..
Enough said.. And I can actually speak english...

She said lots of other things, even when I was no longer in
the room... (People who talk to themselves are
Lets see.. Im a disgrace to my mother.. i kind of agree
with that one but not for the reasons she said. She thinks
my mother is a goddess and a great person and I am a stupid
bacterium on the bottom of a barn(my words). Oh, and im
also irresponsibile.. Which is ironic considering i can
work by myself and nothing burns down and no one dies.. I
can laugh now but I was so pissed earlier. And I did cry
but in private.. I thought this 230 ugly bitch was going
to hit me or something. Kind of wish she had.. Maybe she
would have thrown out her back or something really
painful.. I did keep my cool. I was being attacked and I
was nice and calm. The worst I said was, Please do not
disrespect me by yelling at me" or some shit like that. I
am a saint.. I wanted to punch her in the face and scream
evil racist things at her but i didnt (I am like the anti-
racist so I must have been mad to want to say racist things
and if i did id never forgive myself..)

So anyways.. She ended up appologizing.. I responded with a
grunt like she was doing to me.. All is civil. I will never
forgive her and i hate her and hope she dies a slow and
painful death but i will be nice. I am always nice..
especially to my enemies..

What sucks is I doubt I can go to my manager. One, he hates
me(and most likely every human being on this planet) and 2-
he never returns my calls. I did discuss this with the head
of the nursing department (she is like the emergency night
time manager and a sort of friend. She has seen me work
alone numerous times and thinks I am a great worker. lots
of people from the nursing home think and say that and i
dont even work with them.. So anyways.. we shall see what
tomorrow brings.. Maybe she will be in a car accident and
die.. Naughty Christine, Naughty.. Do not wish ill will on

For the most part I love my job. Its the ignorrant managers
and the idiot employees that drive me insane and make me
hate my job. i love the residents and feel good about the
work I do.. But I need to leave ASAP. I refuse to be
disrespected by anyone, let alone a bitch with a 4th grade
education.. I dont get paid enough to be abused like that..
Fuck waiting for my one year (I will get a bad review
anyways because my manager doesnt like me and doesnt even
know what the fuck i do all night)

One happy note, despite this ton of stress eating away at
my spine, I am quite happy. I go to work with a smile and
come home with a smile. I am so lucky..


'maybe we should develop a crayola bomb as our next
secret weapon.. a happiness weapon.. a beauty bomb..
and every time a crisis developed, we would launch
one.. it would explode high in the air - explode
softly - and send thousands, millions, of little
parachutes into the air.. floating down to earth -
boxes of crayolas.. and we wouldnt go cheap, either -
not little boxes of eight.. boxes of sixty-four, with
the sharpener built right in.. with silver and gold
and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and
umber and all the rest.. and people would smile and
get a little funny look on their faces and cover the
world with imagination..'
-robert fulghum

(This quote brought to you by a kick ass chick and I do not
mean me.. lol)

You know what I hate? After everything that happened that
night, my first thought when i was alone was "I need to
hurt. I deserve it. Im a horrible person. Kill me"

I do not mean that. I do not want to die and am happy but
thats what popped into my head.. I am really really really fucked up
and that scares the hell out of me. And I am also quite insecure..

And this morning I felt like everything I said was wrong
and that I was making everything worse because I am such an
idiot and never know what to say and when I do speak, it comes out
wrong and I want to cry. Again, my mind talking. I cried while
falling asleep.. A
little bit..

I need therapy.. No pills tho because I do not take pills
that mess with my brain.. and my body..

Work sucks. Life is stressful. I need money desperatly. I
am quite happy, I almost glow.. Inside that is.. Do not be fooled by
what my mind says. It lies.. I just wish it would shut up..