1 day in a life as it dies
2002-03-19 16:38:33 (UTC)

to hell with the world

another one of my friends got a boyfriend today well last
night she e-mailed me about it, I guess I am suppost to be
happy for her I used to be I mean I used to always be happy
for someone when they got a new partner, I have not had any
kindof partener in so long I guess it starting to bug me
maybe there is just something wrong with me I need an edge
I guess I am to normal for anyone to date me. aww fuck it I
am not going to be all depressed on this shit it aint worth

today is day 2 of no drugs and it is killing me already
last night stressed me out so bad I could have gone on a
binge, I wanted to know if Rosie was reading this thing so
I asked her just wanting to know that one question then I
was going to ignore her again well that didnt happen she
started saying how she was changed and all this shit thats
why I added that story them maybe we could both make since
of it, she told me once that she loved me more then
anything then went out with scott saying she didnt love me
at all then her and scott broke up then she says she loves
me then she sees scott again and isnt even dating him
saying that she was wrong about loveing me I just say fuck
it I cant handle her changing her mind over and over, I talked to her
and tried to act a little better toward her but yet again it seemed
like there was nothing holding me to her and she said that she was
wrong about how much she loved me I think I am just a container
something she is can feelings into and take out of whenever she wants
love hate sorrow happyness, each time I just curl into a little ball
and let the world to pass me by I hate her for the lies and her
leading me on but idk... and the bad part is she doesnt even remimber
saying the lies I either had them saved on my computers or remimber
them I have wiped out everything about it so dont ask to see them cuz
they are gone all pics all convos all numbers everything... even
though I talked to her last night doesnt mean I am going to start
talking to her I have her blocked now and she will stay that way I
guess and I am not going to talk to her on the phone either its time
we went our own ways I am sure she will read this anyway, she thinks
that I agree with something one of her friends says but I am the one
who said it all first she says I know her better then anyone and I
really do I know what she is going through right now she is losing
all her friends for all about the same reason, maybe in another life
rosie....maybe in another life we will both know what we want, have a
good life with eric and scott I am sure you will end up with one of

Travis is still missing and I am getting worried all those thoughts
that were there are gone now I am really worried not so much about
him but more about Nicki this whole thing is killing her she loves
him so much I'm sure he is ok and has just been chillin somewhere but
I wish he would call her even if its just for a few minutes just to
tell her he was ok and he will be with her soon something anything
even if its just hi, I really enjoy talking to her and would hate or
something to happen to him that would hurt her so much, she is a
really good friend and we are a lot alike her parents are a lot
cooler them him (you know what I am talking about Nicki ;) lol)

I wish I could sleep at night I have not had one good night sleep in
3 weeks infact I have not gotten more them 5 hours in those 3 weeks
and sleeping pills are a joke they just make me really hungry, I have
been listening to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls all morning and its made me
all mushy but by the time anyone gets on to talk to that will be
gone, I have noticed that while girls say that they want someone to
talk to in a realationship that they would much raither have a "bad
boy" who doesnt even care about them listen to him or talk to them
and no I am not saying all girls are like that just the ones I know,
like I know this one guy he used to never get any girls then he
started to get in fights and all this shit and now girls hang off
himand he doesnt say much of anything unless you really really really
know him and even then its not much, maybe I should start to be like
that stop caring about anyone and beat the shit out of people and not
listen to anyone my complete opposite