Nikkie-chan

Book of the Purple Faerie
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2002-03-19 08:24:47 (UTC)

Release

People really fucking piss me off anymore. It's true. And
if Chief and Jen can bitch in their online journals, so can
I. They know people read their and don't take any regard
for the feelings of others, so why the hell should I? Fuck
it all, it's not like either of them give a damn about me.

OK, here's the dilly-yo:
Chief dates Michelle.
Chief and Michelle break up. It's OK, it happens, ya know?
Not all relationships are destined for greatness.
Chief and Jen, Michelle's FORMER best friend, date one day
later.
Uh what the HELL?!

It doesn't take an IDIOT to see how wrong something like
this is. As Alex put it, "Am I the only who believes in
taking time between relationships anymore?" Alex is bright
boy. He was among one of the five people I told, the others
comprising of Holly, Heather, Bethany and Tom (Tom I tell
everything when I need to vent. He's a good wolf-man!). As
I told more, Alex got progressively more pissed. The
other's reactions follow in order: "Ass." "WHUH?!" "Ok,
someone's a bastard." and "OK, this is going to require a
pick up truck, about 500 dollars worth of hardware and a
map of Pennsylvania..."

OK, I've been trying to be supportive of all sides, because
honestly, I'd like to see all sides happy. Not anymore.
After extensive talkings with people, I've COME to my own
conclusion: Jen is taking Michelle for granted. I just read
her online journal and she believes that in the end, she'll
have Chief and she'll have Michelle and she'll just be
queen of the shit pile. She's downplayed this entirely,
making it seem like a TRIFLE that she's stabbed her BEST
FRIEND in the back.

I love it when I can hear Heather's voice in my head...

It's going, in unison with mine, "HELL no.

She's ours now, folks! Sorry! *snort* Not really."

Chief asks for understanding and states that unless one is
in his position, then no one can understand. Unfortunately,
that logic falls short that some of us have been in his
position... nearly. None of us actually went through and
did anything. I can understand him coming to have feelings
for someone else... Hell, none of us expected him to join
the fucking priesthood when his relationship with Washu
fell through. However, there were LOTS of better ways to
deal with this situation... Rather than going behind
Michelle's back and tearing her HEART out, maybe talking
WITH her about it... giving her more than ONE day to not
only cope with the end of her relationship, but the
prospect of people treading over her like she's nothing.
Well ya know what, she's NOT nothing! She's OUR friend, and
we will stand with her! You think that in three weeks,
we'll have forgotten about this? In three weeks, I will
remember. Next year, I will remember.

Ask Heather: One of the downsides to being my friend is
that I have a VERY good memory when it comes to this. I
don't forget. Ever. And unless something monumental
happens, I don't change my feelings.

To me, nothing is more important than trust. It's not
something I take lightly, it's not something I give freely.
Last semester, when my mother told me "Don't trust anyone,
Nikkie," my reply was "Don't worry, I don't." But ya know
what, I do. I trust Michelle, and I trust Heather, and I
trust Shannon, and my faith in them alone is something that
grounds me to who I am. Heather already owns a part of my
soul, I own part of her's. There is VERY little I'm not
willing to do for people who have my trust.

Who was up at North at 2:30 AM yesterday consoling Michelle
as she sobbed, because Jen didn't care and Chief didn't
care?
Me.
Who always does her best to make time for Heather, who is
stuck back in North East while her sister and best friends
are at Slippery Rock?
Me.
And I'll do it all again, for any of them. If I can, I'll
happily DRIVE to see Shannon this summer, even though I'm
terrified of car trips to places I'm unfamiliar with. It'll
be fun! And I'm so excited for next year when Michelle and
Heather and I share a room! It's going to be one YEAR LONG
sleepover! We're gonna have a great time!

And protect one another.
As Tom has likened myself and him, that's what guardians do.

Tonight, Michelle gave me something that was so poignant
and touching that I nearly cried. We gave each other
something, actually. In the process of sharing a
conversation between myself and someone else, I gave
Michelle FEELING. I inspired her! And not just any emotion.

Self-righteousness.

And in the process, she gave me something so deep, I'll
never forget it. You may have remembered a previous entry
where I questioned my ability to write anything well beyond
mere style. But tonight, I realized that the writing I had
done DID have content and that content reached someone.

And I felt so happy...

How can I allow someone who gifted me with something so
precious constantly be deemed worth so very little?

I can't. As much as I want to still be friends with
everyone, I cannot allow someone who so closely resembles
me in so many ways to be treated like garbage. I am a
guardian, that's what I am. I'm not perfect. But I'm a GOOD
PERSON. And I've experienced what Michelle has gone through
FAR too many time to let her suffer the way I did.

I want to remain friends with Chief. I honestly do. He's a
fun person to be around and he's been really nice to me in
the past, and I don't want to betray the friendship he's
shown to me. But I'd rather he have hurt me than
Michelle... and he and Jen don't seem to know her worth.

People, do not take those around you for granted. Cherish
every single happy moment they've given you. Use it to
fight the darkness that often seems to try and get the
better of you. But do not underestimate or downplay it.
Friendship is a matter of equality. How good a friend you
are to someone else is invariably how good a friend they
are to you.

I'm tired of all the bullshit going around. It's time for
it all to stop. Be honest with one another, instead of
manipulating others and doing things for your own personal
gain. Being happy doesn't mean you have to sacrifice the
happiness and trust in others, I believe that. Try to
become stronger and have esteem in yourself to know who you
are, and live by the ideals you preach!

And maybe all this can stop.

I hope that it can.

Mommy, Daddy, I love you... You made me who I am today. And
I'm finally proud of who that person is.

Nikkie-chan


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