tarletondiva

Trials and Tribulations
2002-03-18 22:37:00 (UTC)

Spring Break is over...

I know that I haven't written in a while, but to be quite
honest, I haven't been able to sit at a computer long enough
to do anything productive. I literally had to force myself
to come to the computer lab so I could get some stuff done,
and I thought that I might as well write a good, long entry.
God knows there's been a million things going on in the last
few weeks.

I'm not sure if I already wrote this, but I'll re-cap. I
quit the JTAC. That bitch fired Justin, and I couldn't work
there without him. I wouldn't want to. He was the only
damn reason that I did it anyway. It's really strange to
think that I started writing for that paper because of him,
and that I left because of him. It's not out of a sense of
obligation, although I do feel like we should stick
together. I know that he would have done the same thing for
me. It's just that I wanted to leave when he left. That
kind of scares me, because it makes me realize how important
he is to me. I mean, I loved the paper. I love writing. I
loved hanging out there. I just didn't like the bullshit
that Laura put all of us through. I didn't like being the
one who went behind people to compensate for what they
lacked. Arrogant? Probably so, but it's the truth. Oh
yeah, back to it scaring me. I gave up something that I
loved because I couldn't do it without him. I'm not sure if
that makes me dependent and weak or just reflects my true
feelings for him. Maybe both. Who knows? All I know is
that when the paper comes out this week, I will be anxious
to see how they compensated for losing us.

So now I work at Texaco in Meridian. Last week was Spring
Break. I worked 50 hours and didn't do anything even
remotely fun. All of the other drama compacted the
situation...

Other drama-- Well, I was supposed to get my period around
the first of March. It never came. About 4 days later I
started wondering, but I thought that it was okay and that I
was just late or miscalculated or something. A week
came--still nothing. I was sick to my stomach all the time
and having some physical things that are supposed to be
tell-tale signs of a pregnancy. Jace actually asked me one
day if I was pregnant because I couldn't stand the smell of
food.

So, I was worried. My family knew because of the way I was
acting, but Justin didn't know anything. Part of that was
because I was afraid to tell him. I didn't want to worry
him if it wasn't necessary. The other part was the fact
that he hadn't called me in a few days, and I wasn't going
to make myself feel like I knocked him down and made him
talk to me, so I didn't call him. Stupid and immature, I
know. But I'm human too. People seem to forget that. Mare
than anything else, I seem to forget it.

So anyway, Wednesday of Spring Break came (last Weds). He
called me right before I had to go to work. He knew that
something was wrong with me, and he actually asked me if I
though I could be pregnant. He knows me really well, which
is scary. Anyhow, I told him yes, explained what I could in
about 5 minutes, and he said he had to go. He sounded
really angry. I told him that I didn't tell him because I
didn't want to worry him, but he didn't sound too convinced.

So, I went to work. I thought about it all day. I worry
too much. I worried about losing him. I worried about what
I would do if I was pregnant. I worried about getting hired
to teach, insurance coverage, my family's reaction, his
family's reaction...anything that you could think of. I
remember rolling with him that night, getting druck a few
times, and smoking a million cigarrettes and what that would
do to a baby. I worried about him being responsible. If he
says that he's going to call me, and can't even remember to
do that, how could I count on him to go with me to get
ultrasounds done or whatever?? I know that the two are
entirely different things, but I was tripping out. What's
worse is the fact that I did all of this worrying alone for
10 days. I didn't have Justin to talk to. I couldn't talk
to my mom about it. Meggan thought that it was actually
fucking funny that I might be pregnant. Nobody else could
have helped me. Besides, I keep everything to myself
anyway. If I have a problem, I deal with it ALONE. I can't
help it. People want me to let them in, but it's so fucking
hard because I always feel like I'm burdening them or being
weak. It's the way I was raised.

Anyway, when I got home from work, I called him. We talked
for a few hours about what was going on. I know that he was
scared. I know that he didn't know what to say or what to
do. I didn't know, however, that he would even consider the
possibility of abortion. That was interesting. I asked him
what he would do if it were entirely up to him and he said,
"See how far along it is, and if it's not too far along,
abort." That shocked me. It actually kind of hurt me too.
I mean, I didn't want a baby, but I would've done it. I
can't conceive of having an abortion. I'm pro-choice...it's
everyone's individual right to make that decision. However,
I can't think of going to a doctor and knowingly killing
something that was growing inside of me. Especially a baby
that would be Justin's. I love him enough to go through
whatever hardships may come and make things work. When I
thought I was pregnant in October and it could've been
Justin's or Brandon's, I would've gotten an abortion,
although it would've killed me to do it. Skewed logic?
Maybe, but I couldn't see being tied to Brandon for life. I
couldn't see trying to raise a child with him as a father.
I don't know what the future holds for Justin and I, but I
do know that I would have no problem having him in my life
forever. That doesn't matter what station he's in--husband,
friend, whatever. I know that it would make my life better
to always know that he was in it, and I know that he would
be a good father to any baby, let alone mine.

So anyway, then Justin said that he told Mitza about it.
That made me realize something. I know in my mind that she
knows he and I are together. I also know that she knows he
doesn't want to be with her, and I'm almost to the point of
being convinced that either a) she's lost interest in him or
b) she's accepted the fact that they are only friends.
Whatever the case is, I know this. I also know that she is
his best friend. I can't be everything to him, and I would
never assume that I could ever replace her. I don't want
to. He needs someone to talk to who isn't with him;
everyone does. I have Becca and Meggan, and if I need him,
I know I have Eric. Justin has Mitza and Eric.

Okay, I know all of these things, but it still bothered me
to know that he told her, because I can't help but see her
as his ex-lover, girlfriend, fuck buddy, or whatever. I
just can't help it. So what did I learn? I learned that I
do that in my mind and I don't need to. For the first time
in our relationship, the last month has taught me that I'm
not jealous of her anymore and I don't have to be. I see
how he looks at her and I see how he looks at me, and it's
totally different, which is good. I just have to remember
that before I get upset. It's hard to mentally control your
emotions with logic and factual information when you are so
used to just making snap reactions to things like that.
That may be an excuse, but it's the only thing I can think
of.

Anyway--we talked that night. We talked the next day and I
went to work again, still worried. We talked that night
some more, and gradually things were getting worked out.
However, that day before I went to work, I got in a fight
with my mom. I told her that if she wanted to know what was
going on that she should ask me and not Meggan. You know
how they used to do that shit. They are notorious for doing
it, and I am notorious for getting pissed off about it.
Well, the fight escalated, and my mom said something about
how part of me had to be happy about this because then I
could get a hold on him and keep him. Then she said that a
baby wouldn't make him love me...THAT pissed me off. She
basically said that he didn't love me. This is the same
woman who says that Justin makes me happy and she hasn't
seen me this happy in years. This is also the same woman
who is afraid to gain 5 pounds because she thinks Jace will
leave her. And she has the gall to say something like that
to me? It broke my heart more than it pissed me off. I
just started crying. Then she said that she thought that
because I was always talking about wanting kids. Yes, I
want kids. I love the idea of being a mother. I would even
like to have Justin's kids, but that doesn't mean RIGHT NOW.
That means in the distant future. I want to have my head on
straight, a job, some decent money, and a husband who loves
me before I even consider it. I couldn't believe she said
that. I still can't. I tried to tell her that I was
dealing with this the best I could and that she should try
to remember that I was dealing with it alone. Justin was in
Duncanville for Spring Break and I hadn't seen him in a
week. He didn't even know about it until the day before. I
was doing it ALONE. According to her, that was my choice,
but oh well. I would rather think of things on my own terms
then try to get people to think for me, you know?

So, after I got home, Justin and I talked again. I told him
what happened, and he felt bad about it. He also told me
about an argument that he had with his parents about him
dating "white girls". I'm so afraid to meet them. I don't
know what they will think about me. Will they not like me
because of who I am or will they not like me because I'm not
black?? I'm not sure. I want to meet them though; I really
do. It will mean a lot to me when Justin finally decides to
introduce me to his parents, because I know that it will be
hard for him, but that he wants them to know that I am in
his life. I don't know...all of it just makes me think. I
try not to think about it though, because then I feel bad
for even putting him in the position to have to deal with
any of it. I don't know what else to say about that...

We talked for a while, and he was trying to make me feel
better. I knew he was. I told him about me telling mom
that he wanted me to get an abortion to get her off my back.
I probably shouldn't have said it like I did, but I don't
think mom will hold it against him. She would probably want
me to do the same thing. Anyway, by the time I got off the
phone with him on Thrusday night I felt better. He even
called to check on me Friday morning, which made me feel
ever better. What can I say? Even if we only talk for
a minute, I just feel better knowing that he was thinking
about me, you know? God knows that I think about him all
the time. :)

Went to work on Friday--it was boring and long. I worked
alone because my training was over. Came home Friday night,
and I thought that he would call, but he didn't. I actually
ended up talking to Kyle when he called for a long time.
That's another weird thing. Kyle Watkins--the guy from
Clifton who I was supposed to go on a walk with, but I
didn't because of Justin and how I didn't want to feel like
I was leading this guy on when I know that I'm in love with
Justin. We talked about a lot of things. He's a cool guy,
but I feel like he is waiting in the wings to see if he can
pick up the pieces if Justin and I break up, which I hope
never happens. He just says things like, "Well, he actually
called you?" because I told him earlier in the week that I
hadn't talked to Justin in a few days and he said that if he
had me that he would feel compelled to talk to me everyday
and run people over to get to me. I think he's just
instigating things. It's kind of like the thing with
Donovan. I didn't like Donovan, didn't want Donovan, and I
knew that he wanted me. However, it was nice to be able to
have someone to talk to when I felt lonely. Yes, it's
fucked up. I know this. I'm not blind to my actions. I
don't like Kyle, I don't want Kyle, but I like talking to
Kyle because I know that if I called him he would be
thrilled to talk to me and I can always count on getting
home and seeing his name on the caller ID. Maybe if Justin
talked to me more, I wouldn't feel like I was lacking in
that area. I know for sure that if Justin and I lived in
the same town I wouldn't feel that way. Anyhow--Kyle is
someone that I am going to try and be friends with, but if
he pushes that button, I will drop him in a heartbeat,
because I almost feel defensive when he says stuff like that
about Justin, even though I think the same things sometimes.
Hypocrite? Probably so.

So, I got off the phone with him at about 1 a.m., went to
the bathroom, and thank God in heaven above or Allah, Shiva,
Buddha, whoever--I got my period. I've never been so happy
to start in my life. I was going to call Justin and tell
him, but it was late, and I figured he wouldn't be home
anyway, so I went to bed and slept through the night for the
first time in 2 weeks without waking up in a sweat. It's
nice to not worry.

I called him when I got up (about 10) and left a message
that I had news for him and to call me. I didn't say
anything else, not because I was trying to fuck with his
head, but because I didn't know who would be around to hear
the message. He called me at 11, but he hadn't gotten my
message. His damn phone and answering machine are always
fucked up. Anyway, I told him, and he sounded relieved,
which is what I expected. The strange thing was that he
said he was about to accept it and "walk bravely into the
storm." I guess he knew that it would have been too hard
for me to have gotten an abortion and was ready to go
through with whatever happened, which I think was really
thoughful and sweet of him. He might have been able to live
with it, although with his soft heart and love of children
and their lives, I'm not convinced that it wouldn't have
killed him to do it. However, like he said, he figured out
that I was morally opposed to it. When we talked the first
night, he said that he wasn't trying to convince me to do
anything, but I wonder what would've happened if I had
turned up pregnant and refused to get an abortion. I don't
think that would've happened, because I would have done it
for him, but it would've been the hardest thing that I had
ever done in my life, and quite frankly I'm not sure that I
would ever get over it. Even more than that, I'm not sure
that our relationship ever would've been the same because
I'm not sure that I could've totally felt comfortable with
him, knowing what we did. Who knows though. I'll never
know, which is fine with me!! :)

So he came to Meridian on Saturday night, and I've never
been so happy to see him! :) I just felt a million emotions
wash over me--relief, happiness, love, satisfaction--solace.
I never really knew what that word meant, or at least it's
application in my life until Saturday night when I saw him.
I just felt at peace and knew that everything was going to
be all right. It was the greatest feeling ever. We didn't
really talk Saturday night. We were just cuddled up
watching TV and that was perfect to me. I was glad to have
him there. I can't believe I'm crying right now. It just
amazes me what all of that stuff entailed.

Sunday we woke up and went to Lake Whitney. We planned on
going for an hour or two and ended up staying for five. It
was wonderful though. We had a blanket by the water, a
bottle of wine (which turned out to be so disgusting that we
had to mix it with grape soda and fruit punch) some food,
and a lot of conversation. We talked about everything: his
family, my family, our relationship, our feelings for each
other, and anything else that came up. We played in the
water for a minute and I laughed so hard I thought I was
going to die. It was wonderful. I realized that he knows
me more than I thought and he valued our relationship more
than I ever imagined. It was a lot of validation, and I know
that he knew he was giving me that validation, but he knew
that I needed it, so he did it. Give and take--that's what
it's all about. I couldn't ask for more though. I think
things are just beginning, and I wonder what's in store for
us. I know that whatever form it takes--relationship,
engagement, marriage, family, or just life long
friendship--that I have finally found what I've been looking
for: a person who will be there for me no matter what, no
strings attached, no questions asked. I never really
understood how much he loved me until this weekend. I
always thought I knew, but I never quite comprehended it.
Now I know and I will never forget.




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