sweetaddiction

~*~*~*~
Ad 2:
2002-03-18 20:52:11 (UTC)

im trusting myself for the first time in a long time.

spring break has been pretty great so far.
and hopefully it will only get better.
i have a lot to write about. but im not quite sure that
this is the best place for it. so...if i seem a bit vague.
its just because im trying not to be so personal.
im not really sure what to make of that statement.
or how i feel about the fact that she would think i would
be mad.
i felt horrible that night.
so horrible.
i couldnt stop crying.
and i just wanted her to go to sleep. so that i could do it
alone.
(i just spilt oj on the pants im supposed to wear tonight.
fuck. im such a mess)
drugs. i dont like them.
i really dont.
if i treat you so badly do something about it.
i dont know what to do about it.
and i dont feel that the logical reason is the best one in
this case.
but then again, i rarely work off of logic.
i just dont understand i guess.
i know about moods. i understand that.
i just dont understand how someone can be so completly rude
and disrespectful to someone that they care so much about.
i know that she cares about me.
that goes without saying.
and thats not at all what is playing over and over in my
mind.
its the simple fact that.
i do not deserve treatment like that.
i dont.
i have given so much. so much to her.
and its not that i dont feel that its recipricated.
i guess it goes back to the forgetting thing.
speaking so easily of breaking up.
and the next second shes giving me a ring that means a lot
to her.
two dollars in quarters.
when money is no object for me.
i didnt think it was necessary for me to ask.
and it shouldnt be.
sometimes i think shes two different people.
and most times.
i dont know where i stand.
i didnt mean to loose the lipgloss.
and still she made me feel so badly about it.
even when i felt bad enough all by myself.
i was crying over it already.
i just dont understand.
i just dont.
"please give me anything besides signals that are mixed"
"if you love someone youd do anything for their happiness"
and i would do anything for hers.
but i dont think she would do that same for me.
and then sometimes i do.
sometimes im so surprised i cry out of *happiness*.
shes not a bad girlfriend.
and shes not a bad person.
shes amazing.
and the last 8 months of my life have been amazing too.
i suppose this is my fault.
i shouldnt let another person have so much control over the
way that i feel in any circumstance.

anyway.

enough of this.
time for jennifer and ashley time.
and shawn too.
but more far and lee time i believe.
i miss her.


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