Pandora

Spring Break Almost Broke Me

17 March 2002 Sunday

11:28 p.m.

Went home, which was good. Mom and Dad took me house shopping.
Amber took me wedding gown shopping. AG is moving far, far away and
we'll probably never see him again. AC couldn't give a damn whether
or not I give a damn about him, unless it involves a threesome
w/Amber (I think it was supposed to be a joke left over from 11th
grade, but the way he said it he didn't really leave too much room
for 'You're joking, right?') I'm surprised I'm holding up under the
pressure.
And Amber's getting married. Okay, what the FUCK?! Her mom said
something about 'who does your dad think you've been seeing for a
year and a half in Fallbrook?' and I'm thinking, year and a half? Is
she lying to me or her mom, and I'm inclined to believe that she's
been lying to me. But I'm trying to be supportive I'm her maid of
fucking honor, and just being around all those wedding dresses this
weekend made me want to run screaming from the store, never EVER to
go near a wedding dress again. She scared me away from ever wanting
to get married, and I wanted a big wedding. She kept saying, 'I'm
gonna be a bride!' and I kept thinking, 'I'm gonna vomit.' And her
mom was standing there like it's normal even though her dad has
never met the guy (and neither have I, for that matter) and she JUST
TURNED NINETEEN. Call me crazy, but I don't think that people should
get married before they can legally toast champagne at their
reception. It's supposed to be a long engagement. I hope that it'll
get broken off, for her sake. I want her to be happy and I worry
that she's rushed into this, blinded by the ring and the gorgeous
dress. But she's handling this pretty well, I'd be having a panic
attack by now.
AG is going away forever. I keep telling myself that it's for
the best that I never see him again. Part of me wants to cry; I keep
wondering, what if? I worry that he was the one and I missed out.
But I also know how young I am, relatively speaking, and that if it
was meant to be, it will be. Besides, I wasn't ready for him. We're
in two diferent stages. I couldn't even bring myself to do to his
party on Saturday. I hope he isn't too upset, maybe he'll
understand. And maybe if he feels we have unfinished business, he'll
come back to me; even if it's just for a little while.
I think I'm in love. If God ever sees fit to bless me with as
much beauty as he has, I'll have no trouble getting him. He is SO
BEAUTIFUL. If he ever loved me back, even for a fleeting moment, I
think I would die of sheer bliss.