eidolon

shifting mists
2002-03-17 08:01:12 (UTC)

caution: cookie crumbling .. watch out for falling morsels ...

... i think i'm falling apart .... and i wonder .... is this
temporary ... this sensation .... or is it reality ... is it caused
by a mood flux ... or a missed dose of medication? .... or is it
really happening ... is it truth? ... half truth? .... just a
temporary perception? ...... or am i really crumbling inside ? ......

it's been awhile
Since i could hold my head up high
it's been a while
Since i first saw you

... even now i remember how i felt ... what my emotional status was
when we met ... it's hard to realize that, as much of a mess as i am
now, i was even more of one then .... and yet, you fed me hope ...
force fed it even as i resisted the sensation that struck fear into
my veins ... loss is so hard to take sometimes, and even now i wait
for life to beat me back down to where i was .... sometimes i can't
help thinking that i wasn't meant to be happy ... that my stolen time
with you .. the time stolen from fate .. will run out before i can
even come close to being satiated by your love ...

.. i feel unworthy ... and yet hold on to that hope you give me with
greedy hands ... praying in my heart that i'm wrong and you're
right ...

it's been awhile
Since i could stand on my own two feet again
it's been a while
Since i could call you

~shaking my head ... sighing~ ... things here ... they're hard ...
harder than even i had thought they would be ... more difficult than
i had realized .... coming back here to this house, i'm not sure if
it was a mistake or not .. i'm not sure how much longer i could
survive without shelter ... yet, i'm not sure how much longer i can
survive here either ... i'm falling apart ....

And everything i can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that i've rendered
i've stretched myself beyond my means

... even being here in this house .... i can't seem to get it
together .. can't take care of myself the way i need to ... too many
life patterns conflicting with mine .. setting mine off kilter ...

... i don't want to be homeless anymore ... not that i ever did want
to be, but ... somehow it's grown .... escalated ... it hurts ... i
need a place .... a place with familiar things surrounding me ... my
things ... things i enjoy ... books .. plants .... Melanie ....

it's been awhile
Since i could say that i wasn't addicted
it's been a while
Since i could say i love myself as well

... i'm falling apart tonight ...

... you seem to think that i'm so strong ... you told me once that
i'm stronger than you ... ~shaking my head~ .... i think you're
wrong ... what would you really have done differently if the
situations were reversed? ... yes, my life has been rougher than
most ... yes, perhaps the storm of those experiences has weathered my
soul ... but yet, you are the one who gave ~me~ hope ... survival is
instinctual ... hope is not ...

it's been awhile
Since i've gone and fucked things up just like i always do
it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when i'm with you

... i keep thinking that i'm going to do something stupid and the
little happiness and hope that i cling to will be ripped from my
grasp .... each time i finally begin to think i'm ~getting~
somewhere, that's what happens ... like a house made of cards
everything crumbles and i'm so tired of picking up the pieces to
rebuild ... you are .. this is .. my last try ...

... when i'm with you it's different ... your love radiates ... fills
me with pleasure ... the fear .. it fades .... together, i feel we
are invincible .... apart, it's like i carry our weaknesses within
me ... i feel like i'm caving from the weight of them ...

But everything i can't remember
as fucked up as it may seem
The consequences that i've rendered,
i've gone and fucked things up again.
Why must i feel this way
Just make this go away,
Just one more peaceful day

... i wish that i was with you ... even as much as i hate being
locked up in that apartment for days on end .. restricted by the
security of the building .. i still wish i was there ... because
even then, i'm still with you ... i wish i was with you .... i wish
that the year was gone, the wedding over .... my soul rests easier in
your presence ... even with the problems i have, even though they are
still there .... they seem not as trying .. not as worrisome when in
your arms ....

it's been awhile
Since i could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since i said i'm sorry

... sometimes i dislike myself so much ... wait, that's not quite
correct .... i give this impression to the world of self respect and
strength ... but inside ... i'm not .. i'm crumbling .... i like my
personality .... i'm disappointed, though content with my physical
appearance ... but .... but .... my life .... i dislike my life ....
(granted, before you entered it, i hated my life) ... and it's
sometimes hard not to let that emotion bleed over into how i feel
about myself ...

it's been awhile
Since i've seen the way
the candles light your face
it's been awhile
But i can still remember just the way you taste

... i miss you so much ... i know it's only been two weeks ... but it
feels like longer .... it feels like it's been forever since i've
seen you .. been with you .... i don't understand how such a short
time can drag on for so long ....

... the love you share with me has changed my life ... more than you
will ever be able to imagine ... more than i could ever describe ....
i value what we have and the future we are building .... i value you
and your love ... and my love for you ...

And everything i can't remember
as fucked up as it all may seem to be
i know it's me
i cannot blame this on my father
he did the best he could for me

... sometimes i want to place blame .... a lot of the things that
have happened to me in my life have been at the hands of others and
it's very hard to take the blame for them happening upon myself ....
but yet, i am aware that it is the choices that i've made in life,
both the small choices and larger ones, that have inflicted the pain
of those experiences upon me ... and this belief gives me the hope
that perhaps, with the choices i am making now that feel so right, my
life is changing for the better for good ....

it's been awhile
Since i could hold my head up high
and it's been awhile since i said
i'm sorry

... the best and most important lessons in life are almost always
painful when experienced .... i've had a lot of them .... i had a lot
to learn .... probably still have a lot to learn ....

.. you ... are my first almost pain-free and ultimately enjoyable
life lesson .... and i hope it is a lesson that continues to stretch
throughout the entirety of whatever time i have left on earth this
time around ...

... i love you Jeremy ... and because of that ... i am able to love
myself more .....


Lyrics courtesy of the song ''It's Been A While'' by Staind