Claudia

not yet

THey haven't talked tohim yet. Nothing, just funny
actions. ANd to tell you the truth I don't even want to be
around him right now. I know what's going on and I don't
want to be the bearer of bad news. IT's up to them, I said
it the other night and I mean it. I just don't know if it
was really him...but I wish in some way that it was so then
he would leave. And then I say "But if he leaves then it
will look dumb if I go back to FL" . But I want to go
back. I have some things I have to take care of in my
life. SOme regrets and unfullfilled wishes. I can do it.
I want to meet Jason and see what that could bring. He's a
wonderful person. I feel so close to him.
I am having some weird dreams again. It started when we had
gone to Mike Hill's house last Friday. I had dreamt that we were
living together like I am with Shawn and he had snuck into my room to
give me a kiss. I don't like him, he's attractive and a sweet heart
but I've never felt anything more then a liking to his personality.
Well I thought that was that and kinda started to look at him
differently at work and then he has had the last few days off so
nothing. Then I had this weird dream about him again. Last
night...we were at someone's house for a birthday party....I think
becuase tongiht is Linda's birthday party at work. He was out and I
thought that it was Shawn there. We were still together from what I
gathered. Everyone was being really mean to me..I can't remember
why, but I was crying and Mike came home. I told him what had
happened and he hugged me and reassured me that everything was okay.
People kept bothering me a little bit and he told them to quit. He
took me into a corner and was soothing me and wiping away my tears.
Then he puuls me close to him and kissed me on the lips. I don't
know why but he did and then he looked at me and said it would be
okay. THen he did it again despite the fact people were watching and
they would tell Shawn and I wanted it to never end. BUt again....I
have no romantic feelings for Mike HIll.
I've been talking to Billy again. That's a hole other story. He's
stressed out and I totally conforted him today. That was good....he
woke me up and it was sweet to hear his voice so early.
Shawn woke up late today...no fault but of his own. He didn't make
himself a lunch before he had to leave. So I pussied out and gave
him some money but then he had to work jeans and had to wear dirty
ones and acted like it was my fault. He knew yesterday he had no
work jeans...he knows how to do wash.
My throat is botering me again...it's swollen a little bit. I'm
trying to cure it with Advil. Hopefully I won't get another cold.
When I talk to Jason he makes me laugh. I've never met him face to
face and it's a if we have the same mind. I are linked to one
another some how and I love catching him on line and having him say
hello ol' girl. I love it. I smile when I think about it. I don't
need this confusion. I have regrets and things I want to fullfill.
I want to be with Billy becuase I feel that its' what was meant to
be. But I want to meet Jason and know if there is anything there.
I've heard stories of people falling inlove over the internet but
then it can turn into some exoctic fantasy. It might be that or it
might be true. I have so many things I want to do and can't being
engadged. I am unable to travel to Michgan to meet Jason and talking
to Billy would freak out Shawn. So maybe I"ll get a sign or
something will happen and he'll go. But will I really be happy then?