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2002-03-15 05:29:35 (UTC)

tonight was spent at the waffle..

tonight was spent at the waffle house. trying to get as
much done as possible before spring break...but my break
starts tomorrow. and there is still so much to do. i have
made good headway. but...i have so so much.
i need a break. a break from my life.
so ive come to the conclusion...
that things really dont get better. issues with life. with
people. with everything. they really dont. things dont
change when it comes to all of it...its just that other
things happen. the circumstances may alter a little bit.
and you either cover it up with stuff. or do your best
subconsciencely to forget. but its always there. always.
and no matter what you do, its going to affect you. in some
im so tired of trying to fix things...
i feel sometimes like thats all i do. try to fix things
from before instead of focusing on now. and the future.
i know things with my mom arent going to get better. i do.
and no matter how much i do. i cant save anyone from
themselves. not her anyway...
and my dad will hate me forever. regardless of science. and
regardless of how many papers i leave around hoping hell
take the time to read.
and even if for some strange reason...he did decide to let
me back into this family that ive been progessivly pushed
further and further out of...that wont give me this time
back. that wont give me anything back really.
and its not that i would be holding a grudge. its just
nothing can change the past. and nothing i say or think can
justify any of anything in ANY sort of way.
now is now. and then was then. and im going to do my best
to look past it all. and to work on making things better
for myself. for myself. FOR MYSELF.
i havent seen jennifer in awhile. and im missing her a lot
right now. im missing the way she used to know me. she
still does know me so well. she always will i know that.
but...im feeling distant from most people right now in my
life. most people that i used to feel so close to. and
maybe thats all my own doing. im pretty sure that it is.
but i dont even know what to do about it.
i dont think anymore. i just react.
my brain is dulling. and so is my compassion for people and
for myself. im beginning to stop caring about things. about
people. and those that i find myself caring about...seem to
be the ones pushing ME away. or learning how to be okay
without me. and this lack of purpose in their eyes
is...unsettling. for me.
and the fact that IM learning. how to be okay without
certain people. is scary too.
it makes me feel so much unlike myself. like part of me
isnt here anymore. and some people would say that this
disconnection is a good thing. but im not really all that
sure yet.
so many people have left. sergio moved. sandy went away for
a year and now lives far away too. adrienne hasnt talked to
me in awhile. shaun lives far away now. jatin lives far
away. and jennifer...has a boyfriend. and that takes
priority. but maybe thats my fault for making emily a
priority. either way. it doesnt change the fact that its
i just dont feel like the people who know me really well or
have just known me for a long time are around anymore. and
i know that nothing has really changed. and i know that
were on good terms. and i know the love is always going to
be there. its just actually physically LIVING without them.
is taking its toll slowly on me. i miss them. so much
sometimes it drives me insane. and the phone is a great
medium. but it doesnt give you memories. it gives you
conversation. i need something physical.
so christina dropped out of school.
im tired of hearing "just like the good old times"
or...back in the day.
all of that.
i want to be able to let go of before. but its hard when
people keep bringing it up. yes. yes those were good times.
WERE. and just because that time is gone now doesnt mean
that we cant have good new times. you know.
i dont like how i feeling and its like im stuck in the past.
like i cant let go of before.
but im so willing.
not to forget at all though.
i could never and would never want to.
its just that.
i need something new new new new
i need to get out of florida. thats what i need to do.
i feel like i have used florida up and its done with me as
i love people too much sometimes.
"you love everyone"
someone who knows me really well told me that once.
and sometimes...i think she was right. and others...i think
she was so wrong...