Bad Kitty

Blood, and Sugar
2002-03-15 02:46:34 (UTC)


That's what I am. Cursed. So few things ever go right,
should I be here right now writing this? No! I should be in
fucking SRU with my best fucking friends, and at a fucking
party with my sister. But am I? Fuck no, I have a four day
weekend, guess how i'll spend it? At fucking practice, five
hours for the play when all I do is walk halfway acrossed
the stage, nod, and walk back, because they cut my ONLY
fucking line. I come online hoping to have a nice
conversation with my friends, but for the second night,
Nikkie is not on, I mean yeah I'm glad she's got a life and
all but still it pisses me off that I don't. Shannon's late
cuz she's at class. Jess is on but not talking, and my
boyfriend isn't on either, I'm not too unhappy about that
cuz quite truthfully I get really sick on of him. All he
ever talks about is, being dirty, spankings, sex, making
out, and then he'll be really sweet and compliment me. But
it's very fake, plus we have nothing real to talk about. If
I ever try to tell him about my problems I feel bad. I
always feel bad for talking about my problems, I feel like
a whiny loser, and so I only talk about the dumb little
things instead of the bigger stuff. Like how sometimes I'm
bulemic, and how I can't sing worth shit but I do it
anyways, and always feel like killing myself everytime I
do. How I always feel like hurting myself, I just want to
take a knife and drive it deep into my legs, cuz their so
fat and disgusting, and no amount of excercise seems to be
changing it, I want to write cursed all over, so everyone
knows. So I can show the truth, I'm fucking cursed. I don't
understand why though? I'm not a terrible person like
everyone believes, I'm actually kind of nice. I'm only mean
if people are mean to me. I'm not a bad person, I'm not
bad. I didn't do anything to deserve this hell. I'm so sick
of it too, I just want to die. I don't want to keep going,
i'm so tired of this. It's been going on for 18 years why
the fuck would it change all so suddenly when I get to
college, it'll probably just get worse, things can't go
right for a person like me. I'm a no one, a nothing. I
can't do anything, I have no talents. I'm worthless.
Stupid, idiot, worhless. I'm so sick of life. I can't even
type right. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I wish I
would die. Then I could stop hurting. I'm so tired, I don't
feel like trying anymore, it never gets me ANYTHING!!!!
Except fucked. I never want to hope again, I never want to
dream, it's so useless. It makes me think that maybe I can
pull myself from this sledge pit cesspool hell, and a
vermin like me could never get out of it. What if I just
died tonight, would She still accept into her arms, even
though I promised Her I'd never kill myself. Would She be
disappointed? Would She let me die? Let me just end this,
I'm so sick of it, why won't it stop?
I'm just cursed, that's all. Fucking cursed. So just leave
me the hell alone.
~Fuck You. Have a nice day.~
Bad Kitty