And here I am once again...I have succumed to the
insatiable need inside me that screams "You are lesser, so
act like it".
I very baddly want to be apart of a certain someones
life...I don't know why....I just do....
Last night I had a dream that the only ex I was in love
with was my brother and he tried to kill me.
Maybe that means that he's still in my heart and I'm trying
to kill off those little twinges inside me that can't seem
to let him go.
But that doesn't matter at all.
I stared at the pin I have next to my bed today.
I stared at it and stared at it.
Stared at it some more.
Many thoughts popped into my plague ridden mind.
And I think I'm going to share them.
If you're a child that can't understand the concept of
someone trying to cope with stupid bullshit through
pain....then I suggest that you close your eyes.
I would like to title this section of this particular
entry, The Many Things One Can Do To Themeselves With A
1) the obvious...pierce yourself,...anywhere...anywhere at
all...on your ass even. (although I've done the piercing
thing 6 times and each time the needle wasn't properly
sterilized, on most of these occesions I didn't use ice,
and in all circumstances I ended up with disgusting
infections that I ended up nursing back to normal like a
baby to a child)
2) keep the needle under a flame for a few minutes and
place it on your skin. (Haven't actually tried this yet but
I'm looking forward to doing so)
3) poke yourself repeatedly untill you have a pattern of
bloody dots linning whichever place you have chosen (this
I've only done once...and another time was at school with a
pencil but I don't know if that counts...)
4) drag it across your skin untill you've created extra
thin cuts...almost paper cuts.
Yes children that was Elis list of things a cutter can do
when left alone with a shiney needle.
Back to something else I'm obsessing over for absolutely no
reason at all.
"I wann be apart of you"
I want to selfishly throw myself into person who will
remane nameless' life and become their world.
I want someone to be my world again.
I want to be obsessed over.
Even if it's only for a little while.
I want to turn back time and be in love again.
Well...this can't be healthy...