my so called life
2002-03-14 23:29:03 (UTC)

Going no where fast

Ah.. feels like I'm going NO WHERE.
I'm like exactly the same place I was a year ago.. two
years ago.. and I don't know how to change it.
Ok, maybe no exactly.. I've changed.. the problem however,
is that things haven't changed!
I've become more selfconfident and I'm not as obsessed with
school as I used to be. That's things I'm proud to have
achieved. Two years ago I was hopelessly in love with Jim,
a year ago I wasn't in love, but I-don't-know-what with Tom
and charmed by Ben. Now I'm in love with Ben. I won't say
that I'm hoplessly in love this time. I don't know much,
but I know for a fact that Ben is drawn to me. I don't know
if he likes it, but he's nice to me most of the time, so I
guess he doesn't despise me.. :P
Well.. Two years ago things were.. I dunno, weird between
John and me.. then we lost contact. This last week he's
been back in my life.. and these last few days I've
realized that nothing's changed. He still makes me feel the
same way.. confused, flattered, in despair.. he makes me
laugh, he upsets me.. all these mixed feelings.
Today some of my friends were at Lucy's. Some other people
showed up. They were going out, so they were drinking. That
was like NOT what we had planned.. I had a lot of homework
and wanted to go home. Geri was going to work, so I asked
if she could drop me off on her way. She said she was going
to stop by Steve's first, but Ben was there, so I could
come if I wanted to. I was like SURE! :) Lucy didn't like
it. She's kind of possessive sometimes. She wants me all to
herself. I didn't care. She's been acting bitchy lately,
and she doesn't deserve that I care so much about her. I
care way too much about people. So I just went with Geri.
She said we'd stay at Steve's for half an hour or so. When
we got there, Steve and John were sitting there. No Ben. I
was like FUCK. And John.. of all people on this planet, it
had to be John. Oh well. Steve had actually baked a cake..
It was in the oven, and it wasn't finished for another half
hour. I just wanted to go home. Suddenly John said he was
leaving so I asked him for a ride. The drive home was ok..
when we're together,you know,in our everyday life,
everything's ok.. and that's exactly how things were two
years ago..
I need to get some sleep.. I'll finish this later
Happy birthday dad and Angel