Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2002-03-14 03:18:30 (UTC)

problem

Things are really turning around on me. Like not all in a
good way either. I did well on the paper I had to write, a
B . I just hope I did well on that final.

I've been having some feelings I know I shouldn't have. Or
maybe they're just harmless. I Love John to death! He is
amazing and I can't imagine not being with him. I want to
spend as much time with him. That's not the problem.


He has a little problem with Dave and I talking. I mean we
chat a lot during the day and in the evenings. It's just
that John isn't on his computer that much during work and
Dave is. Dave and I were discussing that fact that John
isn't 100% cool with the amount that Dave and I talk. I
mean it's just harmless talk. I know this and so does Dave,
but I don't think John totally trusts Dave not to hit on me
or something.

To tell you the truth I would just think it was flattering
that Dave hit on me and keep going. I mean I know he thinks
I'm good looking and I told him I think he is too. It's the
truth so why not let him know. At least I didn't blurt out
that I think he's so hot. Because, well, I do think he's so
hot! He's just not John and there's no way he could be.

I'm so happy for Dave, he's "dating" this girl now. She
sounds really nice. We get to meet her this weekend. I am
so excited! I can't wait to meet her. I've heard a little
about her through Dave. He says he's sort of settling for
her right now. He thinks he can do better I guess. Part of
it is that she's like 7 years his senior. There's nothing
wrong with that, but I guess he wants someone he can relate
to better in more ways.

Ok, the problem in all of this is that today I was talking
to Dave and he was telling me about how he gets all
depressed. I know it's because he lost his grandfather. It
sucks, let me tell you. I've been there and know the
feeling. Dave said he wanted to join his grandfather. that
means he wanted to kill himself. I know he wasn't 100%
serious because I've been there too. I wanted to kill
myself so many times last school year. I was only half
serious one time and tried to take lots of Tylenol. I
chickened out when I hit the daily limit, but it's scary to
think I got that far.

What keeps me going is knowing that I could go to heaven and
see my uncle. If I kill myself I'm going down to never
return. Dave agrees with me...he said he wouldn't get to
see his grandpa if he killed himself.

I just want to know if I'm caring too much about Dave. I
mean I care a lot and I know that bugs John. I've decided
not to mention having talked to Dave as much. I will
continue to talk to Dave online etc, but I just won't
mention it to John. I'll let him ask me if I've been
talking to Dave or not.

I guess They might get together tonight which is a great
thing! I wanted so badly to let John know that Dave was
talking about ending it all, but I decided that I should
start now and keep my mouth shut. If Dave were serious I
would have said something to John. That way he could help
him out. They've been buddies for a long time now.

Hopefully Dave can figure it all out. Dave leaves on a
bussiness trip on Sunday. I almost wish it was at a time
when i was here so we could go all that time without talking
and John could know that. As it is I'll be home for spring
break and wouldn't have had time to talk to Dave anyway.
It's not like I'd be passing up the chance like here. Here
I talk to him because he's on. I don't know if that makes
sense, but it would show John that I don't need to talk to
Dave all the time.

Part of John's worries are because Dave is sort of a player.
He's also more experienced. He used to do the whole bar,
one-night stand thing. He's pretty much stopped that and
been hanging out with friends which sounds like a much
better plan. He's kinda been around the block a time or two
I guess. I don't really want to know.

I don't need to know that because I don't plan on doing
anything like that with him. A least not as long as John
and I are together like we are now. I've done some thinking
and if things ever don't work out with John for some reason
then I would go for Dave, but that's a huge "if" that I
don't think will ever happen!!!

I see Dave as the temptation that I need to resist. He's a
sort of test or something. And along the way he's a good
friend too. When he said he wanted to join his grandpa I
wanted to reach out and hug him. I wanted to tell him it
would all work out.

Our bond I guess is that I went through most of what he's
going through right now a year ago. I delt with extreme
loss and went through the rough, down times.

I was telling Dave that if it weren't for my goal of seeing
my uncle in heaven that I wouldn't be here now. I'd be
burnt to a crisp down in hell. Then I would never have met
John or Dave. I am so glad I met John! He has made my life
so much better and worth living. He makes each day
something to look forward to!

I also look forward to talking with Dave though. He and I
can have some interesting conversations that I don't have
with John. Not that I couldn't have them with John, they're
just...sometimes we talk about all the crazy shit. I get
wild and say things I wouldn't normally say. Part of the
reason I can do that is that I don't know him well. I know
him just well enough to talk to him. It's not like I'm
worried about him taking something the wrong way or thinking
differently about me.

Sometimes I want to say things to John, but I sensor them.
I don't say as aggressive things as I'm thinking sometimes.
I am an aggressive talker, but not a dooer. I chicken out
when it's the two of us. I kinda want him to take charge
and just go for it, whatever it is. He is about as new at
all of this as I am. I lack the knowledge and confidence
that it takes to move our relationship to the next serious
level. I'm also worried that the next level is sex. I
don't know if I want to have sex yet.

I'm going to be 22 soon and I don't want to be. I've heard
it's just another year. I mean the next age I have to look
forward to is 25 and lower insurance rates. Even that
doesn't excite me too much.

I have thought about not making it to 22. It wouldn't be so
bad. Oh well, I will make it and life will go on. I can't
do anything crazy right now. I need to be strong so that
Dave can be strong too.

The thought just occured to me...I wonder if he talks to his
girl about all that stuff. Does she know? I mean there are
a few things like that I don't tell John just so he doesn't
freak out on me.

I guess I ought to ask Dave about that. I mean maybe she
could help him out with some of this stuff. She must know
more about him than I do. They've been out on a bunch of
dates and are "dating" now. I put it in quotes when I say
it because that's how he typed it to me. He said something
about it not being exclusive though. I guess that's a good
thing for him since he said he wasn't sure she was the right
girl to date right now.

I kind of want Dave to get home so I can see if he is doing
better. On the other hand I'm a little glad that he's off
having fun and not sitting at home talking to me. Why is
life so damn complicated? I don't want to have feelings for
Dave other than friend ones, but I might be caring too much.
I'm scared that I might set myself up for a let down or
something...I'm just not sure what the hell I'm doing right now.