Silver web spun of a twisted imagination
2002-03-14 00:50:12 (UTC)

No wonder he hates me...

Did I mold Tim into something other than what he was?
Am I too controlling? Do I shape my surroundings according
to my own desires, rather than adapting myself around my
surroundings? Do my efforts to retain my own integrity and
inner self lead me to manipulate others so that my
adaptation is easier on myself. I hope not. This whole
train of thought started from Tim saying he's not as
outgoing as he was because I whipped him. I never meant to
do that! I don't want to change him, that should be his
choice! Maybe Joe is right and I have taken his best friend
away from him. No wonder he hates me. Joe says I've
changed. I think he is denying that one must either change
or stagnate and die...I had thought I grew, became
something more rather than something else. Maybe I'm just
justifying my abandoning my former self in favor of
something that isn't me. This is stupid. That can't be it
because I'm happier the way I am. I've accepted myself, all
of myself, and that it a prerequisite for improvement: to
know and accept yourself, good and bane. If you deny what
is negative, how can you improve yourself? Is there anyone
actually reading this diary, like on a semi-regular basis?
Other than Tim. If so, send feedback so I can see if
anyone actually is.

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