a watercolour stain
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2002-03-13 09:09:00 (UTC)

it's been awhile...

...well, awhile is too mild a word i's been a
little over a month since i've written. i need to be in
the right state of mind to just type and type and i haven't
felt like it. isaac now works at the store in natrona
heights. he's in ohio right now though. he left this
morning and he hasn't called. prolly drinking in the hotel
right now. grrr.

isaac's friend keith passed away this past friday.
sad really. he was my age. it was a car accident. isaac
was being a jerk about it. he said he was gonna go to the
funeral, then he called from work and said he decided not
to go and that he'd rather remember him the way he knew him
in life, not in a coffin. i told him that if he didn't go,
he'd regret it and feel guilty about it later. he came
home and said he was going. i said what? so you're going
now? he got snippy and was like are you trying to make me
feel guilty or something? i said nooo. (i wasn't.) but i
was miffed and hurt. when brandon died, i wasn't supposed
to have any feelings at all. and that hurt really bad. it
still hurts. i think about him so very often and i miss
him and my heart aches for him.

isaac is supposed to get home from ohio thursday
night. kimmie and jordan are supposed to be coming up
thursday afternoon and leave friday evening. she wanted to
stay a while longer, but it was a fight for jordan to be
able to leave his mother's side for a whole day. i mean,
she doesn't even know me and i might smoke crack or host
orgies in my house! yeah, you know me. :P

my insomnia is out of control. (it's almost 4am now)
i didn't go to bed last night (this morning) til around
8am. all i do is eat, smoke, lounge around and gain
weight. i feel huge. i am so uncomfortable in my own
skin. and i hate that. i haven't (really) felt this way
in a long time. i can't stand to look at myself in the
mirror, hardly any of my clothes fit right, and i keep
discovering new, little, purple stretch marks. i'm kinda
glad we don't own a scale cause then i'd probably freak
out. i'm sure i'm almost at 160 by now.

and isaac told me some girl he works with showed him
her newly pierced nipples. (she showed everyone) i was
cool with it. but you know if it was the other way around,
he'd flip. i *finally* bought a book to study for my GED.
i has three practice tests. i'm doing the first one now.
almost finished too. except for the fucking math! it will
be the death of me, i'm sure. sooo confusing. stuff i
never learned, and things i did learn, but don't remember
how to do. isaac tried to help me but just wound up
confusing me more. he's just too good at math and i just
don't get any of it. as for the rest of it, i did pretty
well. *exhausted sigh* hey, there's the garbage truck
now! yippee! definately time to go to bed. sounds simple
enough, doesn't it? oh well...

oh, and we think Miss Marilyn is pregnant. great, you
know? she's gaining weight and has been acting weird. meow.
only time will tell.

peace now~peace later