~*KandyDevil*~

~*Diary Of A Lost Soul*~
2001-05-12 06:25:18 (UTC)

5/12/01 2:15am

Things always have to come down... Yeah... I was actually
doing okay for a few hours there but then the stuff that
upsets me most just resurfaces once again. I just have
these thoughts about my boyfriend Ben... Like he's cheating
on me... And of course I have cheated on him so I'm no
better but those thoughts hurt me so bad. Yeah, I know I'm
a hypocrite for doing the same thing that I don't want him
to do but I dunno... I just have all these visions in my
head of what could be happening when I am not around (which
is pretty much all the time)...

And I miss Craig... Craig's a guy that I started going out
with last summer & whom I guess I am still involved with.
We just haven't seen each other for a while. He was just so
special to me... I could totally be myself with him... He's
the only person I could ever truly feel comfortable with.
He was like a soulmate... I just wish things could be the
same between us again. I have never loved someone as much
as I love Craig. What I feel for him is true unconditional
love. It's almost too hard to explain... Too strong to
comprehend... God I miss him so much. I haven't talked to
him in a few weeks... If only it still was how it was last
summer... Hopefully this summer we can pick up where we
left off.

God, I know that I am horrible or whatever sitting here
talking about these 2 guys both of whom I am involved
with... I can't help it though... When it comes to love &
relationships I am just out of control. My love has no
bounds... Therfore my pain has no bounds... Forever I wade
through the abysmal pains caused by love and my lack of
ability to suppress myself & my feelings.

-Living is not free... And the price is paid with pain-
: :Rachel: :




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