CiennaLarylle

Int he shower drowning . . .

I came incredibly close to turning back to a shattered
place tonight. I felt like I was falling and everything was
going half speed and I did end up falling. I found myself
in the bathtub on my hands and knees; I was crying. I can't
seem to find my way out of this pain, but I don't let it
bother me. It is only aloud to come out when I am totally
alone when no one shall see me. Hence the shower. I hate
taking showers, because of this and if I could avoid them I
would. Sometimes I think that the feeling of hopelessness
is gone but it always comes back. It attacks me when I am
alone. This is a problem for homework, I can't get it done
becuase I am constantly looking for a distraction. I want
to get out of this place find a way to somwhere anywhere
that isn't so hurtful. But I don't know if when I got there
I would be able to stay there. Mostly because I can't
remember what it feels like to be happy, if I ever knew it.
I have always been the odd one, always. I have been
eccentric and a little crazy all of my life and I don't
know if I can ever be happy becuase of it. My brain works
so differently than everyone elsees that I can't seem to
make people understand how I feel or what is actuallly on
my mind. Also I see things that no one else sees.
Sometimes it is things that are just beneath the surface
other times it is things that will happen. The one thing I
never want to see is the things that are there there when I
close my eyes.They make me want to just run. Run so far
that I can't brreath anymore that my body aches and burns
from pushing it. I want to scream when I see the things I
do.I want somehting to break, but I don't know what.I don;t
know exactly where I am going with this. I just hurt more
than I can put into words. And I have felt this way for as
long as I can remember. I think I need to go now or I'm
jsut going to ramble on in incoherent things.