Pink Flowers

Pink Flowers
2002-03-13 04:13:05 (UTC)

I didn t get to say goodbye god..

I didn't get to say goodbye god dammit!!! That is not
fair!! Even being able to call the hospital and silently
whisper that I love him into the reciever while a nurse
holds the phone to his ear would have been enough closure
for me!! But no!! I hate fucking death!!! I hate it so
much!!! My mom didn't get to say goodbye
leaste I got to visit him one last time.... This whole
situation is shitty! After I got off the phone with my
mom my legs went numb and I couldn't feel anything. I
wanted to be there so much! This is shit! He is only a
grandfather and lots of people deal with their
grandparents dying. I shouldn't even cry over this. But
no....I don't know I just hurt! And I swear if I have to
deal with Holly's or Kim's bullshit tomarrow I might just
knock one of them out!!!!
Things have not gotten better since my last entry which
feels like it has been years ago. I am still throwing up,
but not really losing any weight. Today after I got home
from eating dinner at Megan's I used a toothbrush to gag
myself. I was so angry about the whole death thing and
the Holly situation that I threw up until the bsck of my
throat began to bleed. I just needed a release and it
made me feel better for the time being.
I feel so awful for my dad and my brother because they
were so close to him. God!!! Why did he have to die
without my mom being able to say goodbye to him. But, I
don't even know if he is dead yet. God, I want to talk to
him so so badly. I resented him thoughout my life and I
feel awful about it now.