Yellow Angel

May 12, 2001

Well, it's midnight and I'm home already...kinda sad but
hey, that's what happens when everyone in the world has
curfews. Tracy and I went to the beach and walked around
for an hour looking for an open bathroom and couldn't find
one so we decided to leave. Then we drove around for like
2 hours. It was good, we talked all night. I'm glad
because it got her mind off of a lot of things. I feel so
bad for her...her Aunt is dying of cancer. They are
expecting her to die any day now. It's soo hard on her. I
wish there was something I could do to make her feel better
but there isn't. I guess just being here when she needs me
is what I can do and that's what I am going to do.

I don't think I'm talking to Brad anymore. I don't even
know though. He made me soo mad. Christine is going out
with some other kid now and she lied to him so he like
flipped out and said all girls do is fuck with people and
that we are all stupid and dumb...and i was like not all
and he was just like yeah ALL....it made me mad because he
started being an ass to me when I didn't do anything
wrong. I mean seriously, I spend the day crying because I
miss our friendship soo much and then he is like being a
jerk...He hurts me soo much sometimes. I probably care
about him more than anyone ever has and when he is upset I
start crying because it kills me to see him like that...and
then he's an ass to me...and tells me that all i do is fuck
with people's heads and i'm stupid and i'm dumb....right so
why the fuck talk me out of killing myself? why? what's
the point? why should i live if i'm such a terrible
person? because he is going to feel guilty if i do kill
myself becuase he knew before hand? well, fuck him!

I just can't deal with people's shit anymore...I feel like
I've lost everything. I have like no feeling inside me
anymore, it's like I'm nothing...I have nothing, I just
want my life to end. It would be so much better, and I
could watch out for people and I wouldn't depress people,
and it would jsut be better if I didn't exist anymore. I
want to go to Heaven...I want to be happy, I want a new
life..and if i die, i will have a new life, a life with no
problems, a life in a perfect world...it would be soo
good...i just want to die...

I'm just sad...I wish it weren't so late...I want to call
Joe...I know he'll probably just yell at me and tell me
that I need to get professional help...but I know he can
cheer me up too...I know he actually cares...and I just
want to talk to him...I wish he would come online or
something....I hate feeling like this, I don't want to do
this anymore, I just want everything to end...that's all I
want...