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2002-03-13 04:08:39 (UTC)

laugh it off kid

im so over this paper.
i couldnt finish it.
i wasnt even coherent.
23 mins on the phone with a girl in my class.
trying to figure it out.
nothing is making sense.
im so completly frustrated.
i have sylvia and emily.
right here with me. theyre making me feel a little better.
i need to eat.
i havent had time.

you used to be beautiful.
and i used to love you.
now that youve changed.
and youre not who you were.
where has the love gone
where does it go when.
the people forget it.
does it just fade
like our conversations
like our coffee time
like the memories
that i cant remember anymore.
and your calling seems forced.
and your voice gets horse
the love you is comfort
the love you is ritual.
i dont want that kind of love.
that dried up in the sun
the full ashtray of butts
kind of love.
nothing is visual anymore
its expected and its needed
and its driving me down this wall
i climbed up so long ago
driving me furthur and furthur
into the hole
this void of disgust and distrust
and commonplace heys
and over said lines
of why why why
you cant even make me cry anymore.
so much control
but the emotions dont come.
i know it will pass.
i know time will ease.
anger and frustration and displeasing
i can not rewind.
i cant fast forward either
static in this limbo.
and forgetting seems so enevitable.
because you dont feel pain...
when you dont remember whats missing.
when you dont know whats gone.
there isnt a void.
theres just difference.
and change is good.
isnt it people.
change is great.
expect when things are perfect.
what is the only alternative to that.
and im tired of justifications.
and im tired of reasoning myself into confusion.
im over understanding.
because there is no explanation.
so dont try.

a bag of promises on valentines day.
a im sorry.
and a its okay...
so much is said.
when no words are spoken.
and those that are.
mean a whole lot more than the definitions

six years and counting.
six years...
now doubting.

realizing time.
is good. and bad.
realizing time...
is all we really have.
and i wanted to spend it with you.

a boyfriend a girlfriend.
a bestfriend.
a heartbreak.
no apologizes please.
talk of marriage.
but what is that anyway.
and i know.
i cant give you what you need.
id change it all if i could.
id change this whole world.
but your hugs seem foreign.
and i wonder where your arms were the night before.
and how he treats you.
and how he smiles. how he kisses.
but i cant even meet him.
i cant meet him.
and i swear id be good.
id be so much of what im not
and what you would need me to be.

and its starting to rain now.
its raining and i know your powers out.
his power is out.
and i remember that time
with the knives in the living room
and florida power banging on the door
a flash light in the window.
and you clung to me.
like a little girl.
and you were.
and you are.
you are.

a bestfriend.
a soul mate.
a fleeting romance.
an unchanging situation.
lack of control.
lack of destination.

unconditional love.
with so many rules.

a bestfriend of mine.
a person.
without a title.
more. its more than it all.

and it seems sometimes the easiest thing.
becomes the most confusing.