jen

What is my problem?

Hey there. It has been a while. I know... things haven't
gotten any better.Though is is friday, but I ain't doing
shit. I didn't get to talk to tim last night, cuz i fell
asleep, but I talked to him the night b4. He didn't say
much. He seems like he is always in a bad mood and quiet.
He was mad cuz his car broke down. I had questioned him on
the phone about a rumor that a girl had told me at school.
She said that someone had told her that Tim had said he
had "given me the boot" Well, I asked him and he said that
when he went to prom, he told some guy that he knew that,
but just jokingly. Then he got all cocky and said things
like I should break up with him then. I told him that I
would never end our relationship over something so stupid.
I don't know what to do anymore. My life is getting
complicated and complicated everyday. I feel so dumb
because here I am having these rumors circulating like
crazy "Jen's bf went to the prom with another girl", "Tim
broke it off with jen" Making me out to be the pathetic
little girl. I know I am probably pathetic.. pathetically
in love. I think with our year and a half I have gained so
much. I have quit smoking cigarettes and I have learned to
not party, and then slightly he got into drinking, and then
he got into smoking weed. I feel like I am in an
evergrowing battle with him and i can't win. He has turned
over a new leaf, but I can't figure out if it is a bad one
or not. He is still the same tim, who I fell in love with,
and the same tim who is in love with me, he is just scared.
He is scared that he is going to be some pothead loser, and
he is scared that when he leaves I am not gonna be there
when he comes home. And I know I will. He don't understand.
Or maybe he don't want to understand. I just think he comes
about things the wrong way, because he shouldn't say mean
things and rude things to me (like seeing other girls and
stuff) whatever. I don't know. All I know is that I am in
love with this one guy, this one guy who completes me even
when he is gone. Just knowing that I have him makes me
complete. and right now that is all I need.

I can't say the same for him though. About your replies, I
thank you. I can understand your viewpoints. Some might say
he isn't in love with me. I know he is, he is just simply
changed. He has become something he has not wanted to be.He
despised smoking weed and drinking, and now it is like all
he talks about. I know everyone around me does it, even
Kasi and her man. God damn I am trapped. I don't know what
is right or wrong?

I can't just run away from Tim, it is not that easy. He is
the focus of my life. He needs me in his life to guide him
i guess. I don't know. I hide my feelings from everyone,
but I can't hide the fact that he went to prom with someone
else, that he goes and drinks and smokes, and that
he "Jokingly" told someone we broke up. And I have people
telling me "Well, you are too pretty for a loser like tim"
blah blah blah. I don't wanna hear it. I am not vain, I am
not too good for anyone.

I am making tim out to be a loser from this and he isn't. I
know deep down he isn't. Him and I just need to talk. hey,
maybe I will w/b tonight after I talk to him and tell ya
what's up with him.

Anyways, I didn't tell anyone about him going to prom,not
my mom or dad, sister, friends. Now the rumors are kicking
in. My sister called up all mad and frantic cuz Kasi told
her that a girl told her that Tim went with another girl to
prom and she thought he was scheming behind my back. I like
how my sister is so protective against me. that is great.
Rumors spread like crazy by god...

It kind of urks me cuz I am not doing nothing. My sister
hangs out with kasi (who used to be like my best friend)
Her and I talk at school but only at school. Her and my
sister hang out mostly cuz they drink and smoke together. I
don't know. I think drinking is fun I just don't see
spending my money on it like every weekend. And now Tim is
doing it like every night. things have drastically changed.
but my sister wanted me to go over to kasi and shaun's (her
bf) to drink. I denied. I guess I just like to sit and sulk
and think about shit over and over again.
But I did have a nice time on wednesday. Me and darby hung
out and went shopping and played miniature golf and stuff.
It was nice getting out with an old friend like him. I
don't truly get out much. I don't know....I will write in
here tonight again possibly. catch ya laterz... write to me
peeps, I need your assistance.... bye!:)