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2002-03-12 05:15:42 (UTC)

The deep dark truthful mirror

This is not the kind of post I really wanted to do.

I mean, really. This board is chock full of "Woe is me,
pity me, I hate my life and want to die" kind of posters.
The last thing this place needs is one more person adding
to the whining, but tonight I'm having a little bit of
difficulty keeping it all in.

Now granted, I am a bit of a moron. Anyone who knows me
can tell you this. So, I suppose that I create the vast
majority of situations that I find myself in. But this is
so starting to suck.

First of all, I really think that my roomate resents me.
Maybe not outright hates my guts or anything, but really
doesn't like me. True, I fuck things up a lot. I'm
sloppy, slovenly, lazy, and all of that...but I never
intentionally do things to piss her (or anybody, for that
matter) off. I'm truly beginning to wonder if I'm just
becoming the outlet for her fustration, because I never
scream back at her. She does so many things that piss me
off, but never do I do anything. "Keep the peace, above
all else." I guess that's my motto. Give and give and
give until you have nothing left.

I have many wonderful friends. I'm certain they are trying
to understand me and my situation. To deal with the
choices I have made in my life. I appreciate them. But
God do most of them stress me. To tell me constantly they
hate my wife, they hate my roomate, I made this wrong
choice, or made that boneheaded move. I appreciate the
input, I really do. But everyone wants to focus on the bad
things in my life, and they never let me forget it. So
many times I want to scream, to cry, to run away...But I
can't. So I stand there and take it, and slowly lose my
grip on what tiny spark of happiness I have left.

I love my wife. Our relationship has been so wonderful
these past few months. Things were quite terrible for
awhile, but have now done a complete about-face. And that
makes me miss her even more. And she is so very far away.
I close my eyes and I see her face, and I can smell her
skin...I feel her touch and her kiss. And I'm burning
inside for her. I want to run to her now, fall into her
embrace and lose myself in her. But I can't. Ours is a
prision of distance. One not easily overcome.

I feel all alone. I know people are trying to understand
me, but I'm not sure they can.

Anymore, I feel that there is a gaping hole where my heart
used to be. All I feel is pain. The pain of not being
with the one I love. The pain of not being held up and
supported in my choices. The pain of not having a happy
home. Sometimes (like right now), I just want to run away
from everybody and every one. Or maybe find a more
permanent solution. I don't know.

But don't worry, I'm not going away yet. Life is nowhere
near finished fucking with me yet.

I'm ok. Just sad right now.