Cath

my so called life
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2002-03-11 23:08:22 (UTC)

You don't need to be coy, Roy

Sunday I went to see my grandparents. When I got back, I
recieved a message from Ben. He asked if Annie's party was
fun. It was great fun. Then he wanted me to reply on his
e.mail and tell me about the party. Ok, what was I supposed
to write? That I was drunk, that I had fun, that I danced
all night, that I did think of him once in a while, that I
wanted him to be there, and oh yeah.. that I kissed two
boys..? Yeah, I did.. I bet you think I'm a slut now. Well,
feel free to believe that, cause I know that I'm not. I
know that being drunk is no excuse for doing things you
normally wouldn't have done, but I wouldn't have kissed
them Friday or yesterday or today. But Saturdaynight I
kissed them. I've written about one of them in this diary.
I don't know if I told you his name, but it's this boy who
was in my class two years ago and used to give me a lot of
attention. His name is John. Once in a while he comes in to
my life and tells me that I should be with him and by doing
that he makes me upset because he makes me feel bad about
being single. You know, there's no such thing as single by
choice.. There have been times when I've actually
considered dating him, but he has two personalities. When
we're in public, he's loud and crude and always kidding.
When we're alone together he can be really sweet and
serious. He says he loves me. I don't know wheter to
believe him or not, it could be one of his stupid schemes.
But if it is, it's been going on for two years. He doesn't
know what love is. It doesn't matter tho, he's just too
immature. Well, Saturday night Geri and I were taking the
dancefloor. John was there and I danced with him. I guess I
was kind of flirting with him. This slow song came on and
he tried to kiss me. I turned my head the other way and
smiled. We kept dancing and he whispered 'you're perfect'.
That was incredible sweet.. The song ended and a swing-song
came on and we had a lot of fun. Suddenly he pulled me real
close and kissed me. I guess I kind of kissed him back..
Then I pulled back and he tried to kiss me like five more
times, but I wouldn't let him. 'Don't be shy', he
said. 'Don't be a sissy..' Right.. I danced with Geri and
some other guys and I met Jane and some other of my
friends. As the club closed and I was putting on my jacket,
I ran into him again. He was just standing there, looking
at me. The club was crowded and I felt like I wasn't able
to breath. I looked back at him and said 'I'm going outside
now, are you coming or are you just going to stand there?'.
He followed me. On our way out we met this friend of his. I
danced with him earlier that night. He told me not to go
with John. I was like I can take care of myself. He said he
wasn't looking out for me, he was looking out for John. I
just laughed, but oh my god, I've been thinking a lot of
that comment. Anyway, we went outside and John tried to put
his arms around me. I let him and rested my head on his
shoulder. 'Put your arms around me,' he said. I looked
down.. God, what was I doing..? 'Don't be a coward' he
said.. 'That's not what this is about..' I started
saying. 'God, I don't wanna know what this is about'he said.
Then Tiff came and then Geri, and I don't know where he
went. I talked with this guy, Troy, who is bestfriends with
my friend Lily. Tiff and I walked around for a while then
she decided to go home. She looked for John, since they
live almost the same place. When we found him, he said that
he was going to walk home. Tiff didn't want to walk, so she
went to find someone else. John looked into my eyes like
for ever and turned away and left. I FEEL SO BAD!! I AM
SUCH A BITCH!! I started walking home and I ran into Troy.
He didn't want me to walk alone at night, so he said he'd
follow me. I was like whatever. He's really sweet and I was
pretty much laughing the whole way. We stood outside my
door for like an hour just talking. It was freezing, but I
couldn't invite him in since my parents were home and he
would get the wrong ideas. When he left I hugged him and
said thanks for walking me home and he kissed me. Just like
that. You know, it could have been perfect. He was the
perfect gentleman, he followed me home and kissed me good
night. But it was the wrong guy, damnit!!!
I feel bad.. I'm such an idiot! GODDAMNIT!!!
The whole Troy-thing wouldn't have bothered me at all if it
wasn't for the fact that I kissed John earlier. I don't
know, it just makes me feel bad. I'm 18 years old, I'm
allowed to have some fun. If I want to kiss two guys the
same night, why shouldn't I ? It's not like I'm ever going
to get a reputation or anything, that's not what bothers
me. And it's not like Ben is my boyfriend, so I'm allowed
to kiss whoever I want. I feel bad about kissing John
because he's in love with me and I'm not in love with him.
I'm one of those girl I detest. I'm a tease, I'm just like
the girl we hate because she's playing with Paul's heart.
STOP THIS!! John was driving me crazy two years ago. He had
a girlfriend and he kept flirting with me and then he'd
make me seem like a fool because he had a girlfriend. He
kept telling his friends that I was hitting on him when he
was the one hitting on me. DON'T YOU FEEL SORRY FOR
HIM!!!!!!! *sighs*
John told Steve that we made out. A kiss isn't making out!
John asked me on a date. I told him no. John sent me a
message saying good night. I said good night back. I should
have written please don't think of me or something. I
should have written leave me the fuck alone. I should have
kicked my own stupid ass.
I haven't kissed someone for real since I made out with Ben
this summer. That's a long time. I wanna kiss Ben. I'd
rather kiss Ben than any other guy in this world. I don't
know why I kissed John and Troy. Frustration and alcohol? I
don't know. I don't care, I'm young and this when I'm
allowed to do stupid things without thinking about it.
So I sent Ben an e.mail. It was cute and I hope he replies.
BEN BEN BEN BEN BEN BEN BEN BEN
(just making a statement - I'm obsessed!)
We're going out again this Friday.. Tiff and Silvia are
having a birthdayparty and then we're going to a concert. A
friend of Silvia's is playing (he's in a group called
raamad). Ben's going too, and we'll just see what happens..
if something happens. *sighs*

There must be fifty ways to leave your lover


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